T-shirts and more T-shirts

In the process of moving back home and unpacking again, I decided to clean out my closet and my wardrobe. I packed all clothes that don't fit or that I don't wear anymore into a few bags to donate to charity. I can't believe the collections of shirts I found! Kind of nostalgic to find so many shirts related to so many past events in my life, I almost had a hard time putting these shirts in the "getting rid of" pile. I still have the bag of shirts just incase I change my mind and think of something I can do with them to keep them.

Tons of K-state shirts
From when I was dating Kyle in high school and he graduated and went to Kansas State University. He started giving me his old K-State shirts that didn't fit him anymore and then bought me a few for Christmas presents and things like that.

Tons of robotics shirts
The orange and watermelon tie dye shirt that our team won an award for "best team T-shirt" the year before I joined the team, the horrible ugly orange and black camo shirts that we wore one year (I think one of the teachers picked that one), and the plain black and orange shirt with "Tamster" written on the back of it and "548" written on the sleeve. I also have two bright orange robotics shirts from the Team 862 Plymouth-Canton team Bosch started sponsoring right after I graduated.

S.T.E.P.S. girls robotics camp shirt
I went to a girls engineering camp for a week during a summer in high school. There were different "teams" of girls who had different colors and mine was a peach shirt. Some of the groups became kind of "cliquey" so a couple of the girls in my peach group and I started hanging out with the yellow shirt girls. We called ourselves "the peaches" because we thought we were "peach on the outside, yellow on the inside" (the yellow is so we could identify ourselves to the yellow girls group). I also found a tie dye shirt we all got to make with signatures of all the girls from the camp.

Detroit Belle Isle Grand Prix Bosch clean diesel shirt
The first year I went to Detroit Belle Isle Grand Prix (I think two years ago... 2007), I brought Bryan and we went in the Bosch tent to take a picture together. They were handing out these shirts but they were XXL which was apparently the only size they had left! I wouldn't mind wearing an XXL as a PJ shirt but it is extremely wide.

Dummies shirt
Back when I was in robotics, Josh somehow got Dummies to sponsor our team (they make the yellow and black books that are "_____ for Dummies"). The sponsored our team by giving us a whole library of "_____ for Dummies" books, giving us keychains as giveaways at competitions, and giving us Dummies shirts. Again, it's just too big of a shirt.

UofM-Dearborn shirt
I got this shirt in a box in the mail that said "Congratulations! you've been accepted to the University of Michinga - Dearborn!" of course they wanted to send a "one size fits all" so they sent an XXL.

Youth group shirts
Found a short sleeve yellow CSM (Center for Student Missions) shirt and a long sleeve black CSM shirt from the Tennessee missions trip I went on when I was... 14 I think? A shirt that Anna made for VBS in 2002 that is red with a lady bug on it and says "Buggin" which was our slogan for the "Bugs Life" theme we had that year. I found a team shirt from the 2002 flag football competition. Our team was "Touchdown Jesus" and it's black with bright green lettering and says "Touchdown Jesus Toilet Bowl XXL 2002". A shirt from ATF that is black and says "dead man walking" on the front and "dead to sin, alive to Jesus" on the back. And a soft, yellow shirt that Anna decorated for the Babe Seminar crew.

Hershey's chocolate shirt
I vaguely remember this shirt being a gift... I think Dusan bought me this shirt from visiting the Hershey's factory that has a picture of a Hershey's bar and the caption "you never forget your first love". The shirt is, again, in XXL.

A tie-dye purple shirt
My mom bought this for me when her, Tim, and I visited San Diego a loooong time ago. We were on a boardwalk and there was a little tent selling tie-dye stuff, so I insisted on this purple shirt and a multi-colored tie-dye scrunchy.

Red hang ten shirt
My Aunt Joyce bought this for me in Taiwan awhile back. There was a sale rack and it was like buy one get one free, I think, so I got this one and a yellow one. I don't know where the yellow one is though.

A heart breaks in a heartbeat

Sometimes, I don't know how to express in words how I feel. I think clenching my fists and making a sound that comes out like "errrruuuuugggghhh" is an accurate and appropriate representation.

Separately, I am leaving for the airport in 3 hours and I realized, I didn't get to see a lot of people over break that I wanted to. Oops!

I was packing and shuffling through the pockets of one of my luggage bags, and found a long lost letter from an old flame. A beautiful poem he wrote to me about me. What sentiment. Thank God I found it too, because I was coincidentially thinking about it last night and sorting through some things in the closet looking for the letter!

Christmas was great - we went to the Suliots to eat delicious steak, veggie medlies, enormous crab legs the length of my arm, and oocha poocha (I don't know how to pronounce or spell it, but it is a dish from Brian's side of the family that he made for us and this is what everyone called it). Hopped in the hot tub (yes, outside), played Wii Fit with their kids, ate lots of pie... pure bliss.

Oh CSC you broke my heart

It's kind of crazy how commercialized CSC has gotten! I went with Jason, D, and Steve and recognized maybe 2 people total.

Honesty, disconnection, and selfishness

Everyone always always asks "how is school?" and "how is work going for ya?" and such. I mean I ask this too but often because I don't know what to ask or how to engage in conversation by starting off asking something "how are you" (which would generate a typical response and I'd be left having to ask another question or reply to a "good, how are you?" kind of thing). The best thing would be to remember past conversations and remember what he or she said and then ask about that instead.

Lately, I've starting answer "how is school?" and "how is work?" honestly.

"Well school isn't going too well... I just haven't been doing too well," and of course I get the: "Well grades aren't as important as they seem... what really matters is ______," and I protest because that what I used to think until I started really looking into internship, co-op, business programs, and grad school requirements. Then you know it matters. "And work isn't going too well either... I applied to some out-of-state summer internship programs but haven't heard back from anyone so I guess I'll be at Ricardo this summer," and I get "It's okay, you're still young."

I mean not that I wanted to be dishonest before, it's just that to a random acquaintance or old friend, I don't think I should dump emotional baggage on him or her. I suppose it is kind of sad that it has come to this - that I feel like I haven't had someone to really vent to and discuss things with that I take the opportunity to talk to just about anyone who is willing to ask how I am. Boy do I think I often make them sorry they walked into such an awkward conversation.

I've recently been really bothered by the fact that me, my mom, and Tim are sooo disconnected. I mean, ultimately, we don't really look out for each other, and I think for all three of us, we secretly know that it would be easier to not have to deal with the other two. We have to make an effort to things together and spend holidays together, and even then, it is depressing that there are only three of us to exchange presents or cook food for. I thought about last Christmas when my mom repeatedly told us that we should not exchange presents and waste time/money because she felt that we all knew what the true meaning of Christmas was and that was all that mattered. We all half-heartedly bought a few things for each other anyway, but it really upsets me she does not feel that we should take advantage of one of the easiest opportunities to do something nice for each other, since we rarely even do for birthdays.

I hate to admit that sometimes I think about how things could be if I had a dad and we had a family that supports each other. I was telling D about my dad a few days ago, about how intelligent he is and I was telling D about something my dad had taught me or said to me (or something) when I was little. I started talking about what he probably does now and where he probably is.

I also admitted to D that because I know my dad currently makes a ridiculous amount of money, I selfishly wish that one day when I decide to find him, sit down with him at lunch, and let him know about how his behavior has affected me, he will apologize and change. We will have a decent friendship and I will meet his new wife (and possibly my half siblings, if I have any) and he will use his richness to pay for the rest of my tuition or my car or something.

I know, it's so selfish.

Love and hate

Easy
Too easy
To give into the words that you say
Stupid, stupid, I must admit

It's really weird because... doesn't it seem like the people you love the most also hurt you the most? I feel like people who want what's best for me end up upsetting me more than anything.

For what it was while it lasted

I had a conversation last summer with an old friend about wishing to never see someone again. I'm not trying to sound like a suck-up or anything, but I don't think I would ever wish to never see someone again. I might not want to see someone for awhile because of a grudge, but in my head, it makes sense to eventually see that person again (even if not to reconcile).

Someone that has hurt me - I would like to see again and find out if he/she has changed. I think we talked about this the most, actually. Even someone such as my father, eventually I would want to find him, call him up, ask him out to lunch, and tell him after years how I feel about him and what he has done to me. It might be painful, but I would hope that somehow, I could either gain some kind of closure or even better, we'd have the opportunity to start over. At the very least, I might find out he has not changed a bit and then I could just disregard the whole thing. Not that I would ever want to be, but maybe a person has to be unforgivably hurt to wish never to see someone again.

Someone I really cared about but lost touch with - I would like to see that he/she has become successful and maybe have the chance to reconnect. I wouldn't want to grow old and realize that along the way, I never tried to express appreciation to people who have mattered and made a difference in my life. This is why I love reunions. I mean, in the first place, how does a relationship with important someone even fade away?

Someone I didn't really care for - well why not see them again? It is only another opportunity to give them or get another chance to be more than acquaintances. Or I guess it could just confirm what you already think about them. It's like kids that hate certain types of foods and then grow up to realize the really like it.

Someone I have a deep history with - I don't think (up until maybe recently) I have been in a situation where I have no communication at all with someone I had a deep or lengthy history with. Even Kyle and I are still great friends and keep in touch every week or so. I think maybe I would like to see him/her again to see where life has taken them from the person I once knew well.

Someone I never really knew but should have - I was thinking recently about relatives on my dad's side of the family and have been wondering what they're up to. I don't even know how I'd even begin the search to find my cousins on his side. The last I remember, a few of my favorite older cousins were in the army in Taiwan. Maybe about 7 years ago, I saw them in uniform for dinner for about half an hour before they had to return to their base... which means by now, they could be married and even have kids.

Am I just being naive? It's just that I always wonder if people I remember will remember me.

Since you love me

I never thought I would be
So moved by the dreams I've had of you
Every time I close my eyes
It's so hard to fall asleep

I actually like Chris Daughtry's "So I Lie Awake" better than his "It's Not Over".

I am so frustrated, its gotten to the point where I am wondering how any of this is going to be worth it in the end and how much of this is really going to make a difference.

Ten statements, ten people

I stole this from an old friend's blog:

Write ten statements, intended for different people. Never tell which one is to who. Just write things you've always wanted to tell people.

1. I want you to know that despite all the drama we've been through and complaining I do, I really value our friendship. Through thick and thin, know that I am here for you and love hearing from you! They (you know who I'm talking about - haha) will come and go, but I think that you and me will always hold true.

2. Growing up with you, I haven't realized until recently how much you have taught me about myself. Even though we are like day and night, I hope that we'll continue to get past all that has happened and continue to grow closer. I know you often become frustrated with me (as I often am with you) but you are still very important to me, and I want to look out for you for all that is to come in your life.

3. You are something else. I wish I had the words to fill the facial expressions I have when I try to say what I mean, but unfortunately, this will have to do. To keep it short and sweet, I enjoy your company and hope that we can see each other every once in awhile (if you can fit me into your busy schedule!)

4. It's amazing to think about the part of your life I have witnessed, and I am so grateful to be a part of it! I know we've been through a lot but I want you to know I'm proud to see have been able to and continue to see you excel and am amazed at how far you've come, always approaching people happily and light-heartedly. I'll never forget the funny times we've had together in the years I've known you - you always know how to make me smile!

5. Dear ____, I love you to bits and pieces, but you often frustrate me when I think you have your priorities wrong. Thanks for all you have done for me in the past, I hope that the future will continue to be a prosperous one for you and that you will be able to straighten out your business.

6. To you: I hope you know I look up to you a lot! Your words and actions always have a great impact on me, and I absorb as much as I can from everything you have taught me. Thank you for being such a great mentor and role model, I think it has, and will, have made a difference in my future to have followed your footsteps using your advice and humor.

7. When I am looking for someone who will brighten my day with cheesy jokes, there you are to make me laugh! I haven't known you for long (and probably won't see you much anymore) but thanks for a good time and a good laugh the mornings I need it :)

8. I wish you and I hadn't grown far apart. I'm sure you know, but I am jealous of your new life that doesn't include me. If I have done/said anything that offended you in the past, I apologize (can we let bygones be bygones?) Maybe soon, we can reconcile and go out for dinner or something.

9. You have always been a reliable person to turn to no matter what. Your endless care, even when we have not talked for awhile, is important to me, and I hope we always keep in touch no matter how far away you are!

10. I miss you!!! I know your life has brought on bigger and better things but I hope that you remember me (I'm always thinking about you) and where your real roots are no matter where else life might take you.

Pistons/Wizards game

I hope the Pistons pick it up a little! Like the loud guy who sat in front of us said, "Nazr - we didn't bring you here to miss these baskets!" A few pictures from the Pistons/Wizards game (yay, we won this one):

I loooove Thanksgiving parades! Two years ago, I went to a parade with Kyle, Karen, Drew, Danielle, and Ashley all bundled up with our blankets. We woke early for breakfast, got to Detroit, and grabbed a curb that was so close that we were talking to passer-bys in the parade and giving them high fives. Afterwards, I think we went to get coffee and then back home for naps (if I remember correctly we had all hung out the night before until real late too). I really want to go this year but it looks like I'll just be watching it on TV. Or as Josh suggests, on HDTV where the view is clearer, closer, not as cold, and you don't have to wake up really early to watch it. But I don't care, I mean, that's what make it a parade. Picture of the group:

=A$1+$A2 is in D1 and it is dragged to E1...

I've got the Dirty Dancing in Havana Nights blasting in my headphones and I can't stop bobbing my head/moving my feet in dancing steps.

The MIS exam about excel today went alright. I mean everything was pretty easy except one section about the $ sign. If you put a $ before a column or row's name when using in it a function, it locks the next character. The questions were like "if $A1+A2 is in D1 and you extend it to E1, what will happen?" and then we had like every combination possible like A$1+A2 and A1+$A2 and $A1+$A2 and A1+A$2 and $A$1+A2 and A1+$A$2 and so on. That section really killed me because I couldn't even picture it without the $ signs and I had to draw the question out on paper to even understand what it was asking.

In celebration for the end of midterms, I went to Beruit La Pita on my way to work to spoil myself with Garlic Dip (amaaazing), Chicken Shwarma, and Lentil Soup. I sat in this tiny little restaurant waiting for my food and thinking about one of the first intern lunches we all went out on together. That was one of our little places. Now, Brandon is back at Rose-Hulman and will probably be hired over Christmas when he graduates, Neil is getting married to Jess, Grant is back at MichTech graduating this year (he definitely doesn't want to return to Ricardo), Veronica is in the Americorp, Henry was hired into the company recently, Amanada is still floating around the area/company, and Pavan is working and taking classes part time at UofM. Me? I'm still doing what I've been doing for the last year and a half. Part time school and booking it to work in my free time. I kinda miss all the random drop bys by my desk by the other interns cuz there isn't really anyone to talk to anymore.

Anyway, the other day, D, me, and my mom took Romeo to this free puppy training informational seminar about housebreaking your puppy and about the different classes and services they offer. For about 15 minutes, they closed off the doorways, had all the humans sit down, and let all the puppies loose to play with each other. At first, my pup was shaking and whining when we were walking into the room because he was so nervous, but when all the puppies could play together (there was probably 10), it was soooo adorable! The puppies started sniffing each other's butts, chasing each other, and playfully pouncing on each other. There was this one little, white Havanese-Shih Tzu that was a cutie. He would run after the other puppies and then randomly plop down like a pillow and just sit there for a minute, and then he would jump back up and run after the other puppies again. My pup was smart :-P He would run after other puppies and when they would chase him, he would run and hide behind people's legs to catch his breath, and then jump back out again and continue running. So cute :)

What's on the agenda for this weekend? Sushi with D, Tom, and Alandra either Friday or Sunday evening, a bit of studying I've got to crack down on, and Enoch's wedding on Saturday.

Shaq is benched by a computer - haha

I try not to post songs but this one got me

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me
You'd be around

I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong

I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew?

Remember when
We were such fools
And so convinced
And just too cool

I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give
Anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong

They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew?

I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and

That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew?
My darling
My darling
Who knew?
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew?
Who knew?

It feels like home to me

If you knew how much this moment means to me
"Feels Like Home" - Chantal Kreviazuk

It felt real good to sit in a steaming, hot lavender bath and sort things out with an amazing friend (on the phone, of course). I'm home and I think I'm ready for things to pick up again.

After a week of hellish ordeal...

...here's what Paradise I have for the night:

I'm...
In my own suite in gorgeous Chicago
Sitting here in my pj's
Covered in a huge flannel blanket
Tapping away on my wireless laptop
Watching Wayne Brady on TV
Eating my penne alfredo, chicken, and spinach
And an amazing salad with chickpeas
And a huge slice of praline cheesecake
Drinking sweet tea
And I'm not paying a dime for it :)

The best part is, this is the first time in long time I think I am truly content with myself and with being by myself.

Back tracking (is that one word?), yesterday was ridiculously overwhelming between packing, taking the dog to get neutered, cleaning for possible house showings, getting everything set up to take with me to Chicago, catching a flight, finding our way to the hotel, finding our way to Ricardo CTC, and actually focusing on work. Plus I got a huge surprise last night after the exhausting day I had.

Yesterday evening, Reggie took Catherine and me to Papadeaux's: a high-class seafood restaurant with $20 plates. I had the most amazing plate of salmon in a lemon, buttery sauce and thick, juice asparagus all grilled on a palate.

Today was actually a little more laid back for how work usually is. I have to say that Reggie is a great guy and I hope that next year, Claude will send me back to CTC to work with Reggie. He is definitely one of those people I would love to learn from in an internship.

It was hilarious - after lunch today, Reggie took Catherine and me around in our little, black PT Cruiser rental to see million dollar Burr Ridge houses. There was a For-Sale-By-Owner house, and as a joke, Reggie had me call the owner to ask about the house. It was a $999,000 house (yes, not $1,000,000)!

I talked to Bobby the other day and I'm feeling better about this whole school situation. After taking Tim back to Big Rapids on Friday and helping him unpack, I realized he was one of the last to leave for school. I'm jealous that everyone is leaving to go back to school, but excited for the opportunities to come for them and for me. It'll be a blast to visit! I think Vonnie and I have already planned a weekend at State, and I'll be going to Grand Rapids to see Colleen and Joe for sure.

I'm not even sad that this trip is ending tomorrow because just a few moments of feeling spirited was more than I could ask for to rejuvenate me before school and work really pick up again.

Come and rest your bones with me

("Sunday Morning" - Maroon 5)

This song makes me thing of ATL '05. We were flying home from nationals on a beautiful Sunday morning, exhausted, and I kept thinking of the line "Driving home on Sunday morning, and I never want to leave".

Yesterday it hit me that if I had a dad, I'd be consulting him with sooo many things right now. I try to never really think about the situation, but I'm not even going to pretend that I don't wish to have a father figure around (other than Jay who I haven't talked to in months).

I almost forgot that this Saturday is the Woodward Dream Cruise that D and I are going to. Curtesy of Eaton :) VIP food, parking, and etc. Hopefully the weather will be nice and it will be a blast.

Had dinner with Winky yesterday since she just got back to Hong Kong and is leaving for GVSU next week. Tonight or tomorrow, I might see Colleen before she also goes back to GVSU. To add to the list, all the co-ops, Yvonne, my brother, and some other random old friends are all leaving soon too.

I hate when people leave.

The gang's all here!

Well early Saturday, Colleen and I went shopping and the out to lunch at Mongolian BBQ. It was very Americanized, but still very good. Here's a random "non-posing" pictures of her:
Everything worked out great at out little reunion :) I don't know why I always worry about our reunions and stuff because we always hit it off. The guys were actually joking about it how the relationships have changed. And it was sooo good to see my girl Cat again.

Funny thing too - we're stuck on the highway and there's a convertible next to us. I go, "wow that looks like Chad" and Dusan goes, "omg that is Chad!" So I rolled down the window and was like "IS THAT YOU CHAD SCHMIDT?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN AMERICA?!" and it was. So I got his number and I guess he's back in the US for a little bit. I hope he doesn't leave soon so I get a chance to talk to him.

Oh yeah, the guy in the middle is Chad (the other two are Nitin and Dusan). This is from ATL two years ago:

Anyway, here's are "now" pictures of the gang from this past Saturday's Tigers game:

Here are "then" pictures from like... 3 years ago:

^ Here's our last reunion^ Homecoming in 2003 ^ Ypsilanti after GLR - right when we leaned in to take this picture, we bumped heads (which is why we're laughing)^ Just a random summer day where Dusan and I were making fun of Catalina's "curlies" and he sat on her back to tug on her curlies^ Kyle and me back when we were together

Whoooo haaa!

Yayyy - happy news!

The old gang is gonna have a reunion next Saturday!!!!! We're going to dinner and a Tigers game next Saturday, although I don't know why we go to baseball games for reunions - Kyle is the only one who knows anything about baseball. This will be the first reunion since our last reunion two summers ago. I'm super excited/nervous because things between the four of us have changed soo much (you know what I'm talking about). I would have to say, hands down, that this is one of the best group of friends I've ever had in my life.

The doggie's potty training is getting better and better, although his biting is getting worse. He wasn't biting at all when we first got him, which is weird. But Lindsey says he might be teething and he just needs something to chew on.

It's kind of sad how the summer is ending. Although work (and school) will continue for me right where I am right now, everyone is moving away to school talking about how exciting everything will be. Even all my co-op buddies are leaving work within the next month or so. I guess we'll see what happens.

The most random line of a song I heard on the radio this morning on my way to work caught my attention (I know that was a funny sentence, it made sense in my head): maybe next time will be the right time. I think I need to be more patient and not so eager, while still ambitious, and let everything happen at the right time. Maybe.