A heart breaks in a heartbeat

Sometimes, I don't know how to express in words how I feel. I think clenching my fists and making a sound that comes out like "errrruuuuugggghhh" is an accurate and appropriate representation.

Separately, I am leaving for the airport in 3 hours and I realized, I didn't get to see a lot of people over break that I wanted to. Oops!

I was packing and shuffling through the pockets of one of my luggage bags, and found a long lost letter from an old flame. A beautiful poem he wrote to me about me. What sentiment. Thank God I found it too, because I was coincidentially thinking about it last night and sorting through some things in the closet looking for the letter!

Christmas was great - we went to the Suliots to eat delicious steak, veggie medlies, enormous crab legs the length of my arm, and oocha poocha (I don't know how to pronounce or spell it, but it is a dish from Brian's side of the family that he made for us and this is what everyone called it). Hopped in the hot tub (yes, outside), played Wii Fit with their kids, ate lots of pie... pure bliss.

Spending the holiday at home

I'm trying to put the holiday spirit on hold

...because I'm trying to focus on finishing this semester before I get too carried away with the upcoming holidays, but it's too late! Plus that have already been made:
- Going to the DSO with my mom
- Frankenmuth with the family and B
- Lunch with Lynda, who I haven't seen since this summer
- Dinner at Claude's (Eek!!!!!!)
- Dinner with Chris and Natalie to catch up
- Holiday dinner "with the fam" aka all our friends and their S.O.s
- Holiday party at Tom H's, which will be fun because it's all Ricardo people who don't know I'm B's "plus one" yet
- Ugly sweater party at Nicholas and Lauren's
- Lots of time with my hunny!

I've even got so many surprise gifts planned with different people about each other, it's been a challenge trying to keep them straight!

On a separate note, I don't know if I can last a week with this apartment with these roommates (not Britney though... I'll miss her). I have put up with too many stupid pig sty things... like toilet paper never being replaced and random toilet paper rolls sitting all over the bathroom. The garbage never being taken out, piles of garbage sitting next to the garbage can because no one has taken them out, falling asleep to Ginny singing her heart out at 2am... no more! I can't take it anymore!

Just gotta get through finals and a few more days...

Thanksgiving in Florida!

We all went for a walk on the beach while waiting for the Turkey...
B and his grandma flipping the turkey over:
The fam :)
I thought I was taller than her, so the guys insisted we take a picture and then decide... although I think she stood up a little taller and cheated in this picture!
Turkey! I love fall foods!

The child inside me dares to believe I still can fly

I always despise "that girl" (sometimes my girl friends, sometimes a character in a movie or TV show) that is high maintenance, demanding, must be called at least once a day, needs to hear "I love you", or she gets mad. But I've slowly started to find myself being "that girl" and I hate it! My biggest issue is when I don't hear from him for over 24 hours (I can't believe I'm admitting this).

This make my skin crawl and I don't know why, and then in puts me in a very spiteful mood. He was like "you know I love you so why are you giving me crap when I'm trying to be nice? can we talk about this?" and I'm like "I don't want to talk about this" because I don't want to make nothing into something. Which is ironic because by the time I said it, I already had.

I want to think that it's just because our relationship is so intense and passionate and so happy when we're together, that being apart seems worse than it actually is. Even now, when I'm back in AA, I think to myself I will just go to bed on a Sunday night, wake up, and everything will go back to the way it was and I will go to Ricardo in the morning and we will get together with our friends at work for lunch and we will go home together after work and curl up and eat dinner and watch TV together and go out with friends on a late night and... what I would give just to have that back for a day.

I don't know how to keep myself sane when I'm not with him or busy with other things... I still don't feel like I'm really supposed to be here, and when I don't talk to him for awhile, that's all the connection I have left to "home" and then it's gone. I talk to him way more than my family, I'm not at Ricardo anymore, sometimes I'm not sure what good things I have going for me or what I connect with except with him, and I get angry at him without him knowing it because I feel like he made me feel this lonely, even though it is my fault. I mean, maybe it will change after winter break when I go home and realize I miss GR? I guess this stuff might take some time.

But I'm starting to think after too many life changes have happened and after too much time has passed, I don't have any more excuses why I've not become emotionally stronger/independent, and I'm starting to face the fact that it could just be me. I can't help but think that Grand Rapids was just not far enough away.

My first time ever voting

Today was my first time voting, and I went out of my way to make sure I got to vote!

As any other Tuesday or Thursday morning, I had to take a 45 minute buss to a class in Grand Rapids at 8:30am this morning. I had an exam at 11:30am, which I did a little extra studying for in between classes, and then at 12:45pm, I immediately hopped on a bus back to Allendale, and then another bus to go to the voting location. Waited in line almost an hour to vote, and took one bus back to Allendale again and another bus to Grand Rapids to be a few minutes late to my 4:00pm class.

I was flipping out because I was supposed to meet a group at 3:00pm for our group presentation at 4:00pm, and I not only had I missed that, but I didn't even know if I'd make it back to class on time. It got to a point where I was in line to vote and realized I could either vote and be late for a class our group was supposed to present in, or I could get out of line to make it back to class early enough to review with my group and ease into the actual class presentation.

I knew that if I wanted to get back just on time, I'd have to leave early. But I thought to myself "to hell with it" this is my first time having the opportunity to vote, I'll be late if I need to, even if my group is presenting to the class! I called my group members when I was on the bus, rehearsed while I was on the bus, and ran to class just a minute before we started. I didn't feel too bad that I had dumped a little bit on my group because I'd pulled my weight in the project earlier on, so it balanced out.

I was actually kind of nervous about voting, especially since I know I'm not super educated about all of the issues... I mean I tried to be but there are only so many things that actually apply to me that I understand). I knew my family was voting differently, and I'm told I'm so indecisive (that's the nice version that's been said to me) that I can't seem to make decisions on my own a lot. I know I contemplate a lot and ask for a lot of opinions, but yes, it's because I'm not confident in a lot of the decisions I make. But it's clear when I am confident in the decisions I make, and when I am, I'm extremely confident and demand to have it my way.

Also, something happened that evening that really took an unexpected, strange toll on my thoughts. I was having dinner with a friend who has strongly opposing views compared to mine. I'm usually quite passive when it comes to conversations about politics and religion because I think it is pointless getting into arguments (especially when a lot of people my age don't seem know what they're talking about), and I think it is more important to know what yourself thinks instead of convincing other people. Discussion is good, but I don't need to battle. Anyway the point is, for once, it really didn't sit right with me what this person was saying or how she was saying it. More so because we'd had a clean, healthy discussion about it before about how we completely disagreed, and here she was making a disrespectful, immature joke about it to my face and completely disregarding me. It'd happened before but I'd just shrugged it off, but maybe I was in my "election issues mode" so it bothered me. What am I trying to say here? I guess I was surprised at this because I don't usually feel too bothered by friends disagreeing on important issues, and I'm starting to see myself feel that way more often. Or maybe it's because we're newer friends and I didn't think she'd say something like that? I don't know, I'm just ranting now.

It makes me proud, for once, to be an American! I feel like I'm always struggling with this feeling that I'm not Asian enough to be Asian, not white (American) enough to be white, not girly enough to be a girly girl, not tomboy-ish enough to be a tomboy. I am somewhere in between everything and I have a hard time trying to figure out what to identify with. But this is one step towards something, and I'm still growing up in baby steps!

Dressing up for Halloween

Bryan and I were supposed to be Mr. Clean and a housewife, although my props were getting in the way so I just stuck them in the pockets of my apron and Bryan thought he looked like a giant condom since his fake bald head looked kind of funny!


Jess and Zach were Andy Warhol and his factory girl, Edie Sedgwick... (Jess had the big fur coat but it's not in this picture)

Nil's birthday celebration at Melting Pot

How much baggage is too much?

Sometimes, I judge other people and then wonder the same thing about myself too.

File this one under "amusing things"

I was just reading through some entries from a few months age and came across this:

"Speaking of which, I've decided that I will be transferring to GVSU the fall semester of 2008. There are a hundred reasons why and I could list them all out, but the main reason is that the school is a much better fit for me and the situation I'll be putting myself in will be more ideal than what I've been doing. Figured out there was something wrong with it, here's my attempt to change it and make it right. Otherwise I'll be stuck in school for the rest of my life."

HA. Who am I kidding, I will be in school for the rest of my life trying to get one simple degree.

Incoming income!!!

I sort of pride myself for being a little bit of a savvy money maker/money saver when I need to be. I'm not really talking about budgeting or learning how to not spend on "wants" (these are things I'm trying to learn), but I'm talking about buying/selling books for school (now a hobby), rebates, finding free things to sign up for without a lot of time or hassle, using credit card reward points, MyCokeReward points (but not my Coke!), and points from survey websites (such as epoll.com, which I've been using for forever so I've accumulated a ton of points) I've basically made a good couple hundred dollars since I stopped working at Ricardo.

The income is still flowing just a little bit but I am spending it faster than I was when I was working... a good kick in the pants that I need to take advantage of working (if I go back or pick up another internship next summer) and madly save.

How does the quote go? I think it's something like "live like you're in college when you're in college so you don't have to live like you're in college when you're out of college."

Get down to the heart of it

I find myself categorizing most of the people in my life in two categories:

1. My team a.k.a. "who do I keep in touch with to have in my life for the rest of my life?"

I think it started while being on the robotics team in high school. I remember talking to various mentors and student captains about how valuable different students were to the team, and I think I have sort of thought of people like that since then. For example, there was one student who was (and still is) a very good friend of mine. He was a very interesting person in that he did poorly in school but had the most common sense out of all of us. Not to mention he was an absolute work horse, who did not always see the big picture, but would quietly decide whether or not he agreed with the direction of the team, and he would work is butt of to make it happen. He did not always see things from a leadership standpoint but he was a great follower and was very dependable. So this makes me think, "what qualities do people in my life have that I'd want on my time or my side?" Everyone in my life contributes to different parts of my life in different ways, and which people are worth the effort to keep in touch with and have in my life for the rest of my life? I certainly haven't done a great job at keeping in touch with people from the past, but with email, facebook, phone calls, text messages, and old fashion snail mail (my favorite), I've certainly been making a bigger effort lately to try!

2. My wedding a.k.a. "If I had to get married today, who would be there?"

I don't know when this happened, I think it is because I'm starting to enter that part of life where all my girl friends are talking/dreaming about getting married or they actually are engaged. And I won't lie, being in a relationship makes me think about these long term things too. After all, why date someone at this point in life if you don't see it going anywhere? Especially when my relationship with B has sort of become long distance. We've talked about how temporary we want this to be. I mean I could graduate and find a job elsewhere, and we talk about whether we currently would want to continue pursuing a relationship beyond this stage we're in right now.

Eeek I'm so off topic! But back to the actual topic, I tend to think of my closest friends as the people who will be in my wedding party, especially my best girl friends. If I had to narrow it down to a certain number of bridesmaids, which girls would I have to eliminate and which girls would I choose? And which of that group of girls would be my MOH? And what about the people I want to invite to my wedding? I always wonder, if you have really close friends you don't keep in great touch with (especially family friends you grew up with), do you invite them? I mean, I've been invited to weddings in the past of family friends I haven't seen in years! Of course I would invite all my relatives, but how many of them would actually fly out from Taiwan to see me get married? Most importantly, I wonder what father figure would walk me down the isle. But I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this one :)

Tyrone Wells and Jason Reeves!

My birthday weekend/annual trip getaway with my sweetie

Bringing back more than a memory

I saw you in my dreams last night. I saw you in my dreams when I was eating my lunch, and I purposely ignored you at first because I didn't think it was you. You were there, standing behind me calling my name while I was walking away from you and trying to ignore you to show you I was hurt and angry. But then I turned around to see if it was really you, and I could almost reach out and touch you. You asked where I was going and why I was leaving, and I'm not sure how I even answered your question. But we talked and my stomach twisted into a knot at the thought that you were there with me. I can't even accurately remember how long it's been since we've talked, and I had mixed emotions seeing you again.

My alarm clock rang, I automatically hit "snooze" and dozed back off to try to find you again, but it was too late. I knew now I was only dreaming, but I replayed this scene in my head, as if it were a memory I was replaying. I tried to remember how your voice sounded in my dream, because I haven't heard it in so long. And then I cursed my alarm clock because I hadn't finished talking to you.

Are dreams really answers to questions we haven't yet figured out how to ask? If so, then my brain has surely accomplished this. Even if it was only a dream, I wanted to ask you why we weren't friends anymore and why you stopped talking to me. I tried to fall back asleep and convince myself I could place myself back in the dream again. I wanted answers, even if only in a dream, to find out why things turned out the way they did between us.

I finally woke up and moved on with my day, but all day I've been thinking about the conversations we had. I've been replaying in my mind certain things you said to me, wondering how someone could feel so compelled to say such strong statements but then drop our friendship like a bad habit. I wonder where you are now and how you're doing. I hope you're doing well and know that I dream of you sometimes.

Thoughts in the corners of my mind

Things that have recently always been on my mind and my motivation to get through this hard week:

Copper Beech Townhouses - where I will officially be moving to next semester! The Homestead 4 bedroom condo - where I will be celebrating my birthday with the man of my dreams for my birthday (at no cost!) Family - the guy who has been like a father figure to me (here he is with his family)! Jess - my new best girlfriend (eating her beloved Snackers at Olga's... not sure why she's squinting so much, hehehe)