After a week of hellish ordeal...

...here's what Paradise I have for the night:

I'm...
In my own suite in gorgeous Chicago
Sitting here in my pj's
Covered in a huge flannel blanket
Tapping away on my wireless laptop
Watching Wayne Brady on TV
Eating my penne alfredo, chicken, and spinach
And an amazing salad with chickpeas
And a huge slice of praline cheesecake
Drinking sweet tea
And I'm not paying a dime for it :)

The best part is, this is the first time in long time I think I am truly content with myself and with being by myself.

Back tracking (is that one word?), yesterday was ridiculously overwhelming between packing, taking the dog to get neutered, cleaning for possible house showings, getting everything set up to take with me to Chicago, catching a flight, finding our way to the hotel, finding our way to Ricardo CTC, and actually focusing on work. Plus I got a huge surprise last night after the exhausting day I had.

Yesterday evening, Reggie took Catherine and me to Papadeaux's: a high-class seafood restaurant with $20 plates. I had the most amazing plate of salmon in a lemon, buttery sauce and thick, juice asparagus all grilled on a palate.

Today was actually a little more laid back for how work usually is. I have to say that Reggie is a great guy and I hope that next year, Claude will send me back to CTC to work with Reggie. He is definitely one of those people I would love to learn from in an internship.

It was hilarious - after lunch today, Reggie took Catherine and me around in our little, black PT Cruiser rental to see million dollar Burr Ridge houses. There was a For-Sale-By-Owner house, and as a joke, Reggie had me call the owner to ask about the house. It was a $999,000 house (yes, not $1,000,000)!

I talked to Bobby the other day and I'm feeling better about this whole school situation. After taking Tim back to Big Rapids on Friday and helping him unpack, I realized he was one of the last to leave for school. I'm jealous that everyone is leaving to go back to school, but excited for the opportunities to come for them and for me. It'll be a blast to visit! I think Vonnie and I have already planned a weekend at State, and I'll be going to Grand Rapids to see Colleen and Joe for sure.

I'm not even sad that this trip is ending tomorrow because just a few moments of feeling spirited was more than I could ask for to rejuvenate me before school and work really pick up again.

Can we trade the day in for the night?

I never thought I'd find what I was looking for
I never thought I'd find the place where I belong

I always thought I'd found what I was looking for
I always thought I'd I known the place where I belonged

Today was Ursula's, the director of HR at Ricardo, last day. I went down to say goodbye and talk to her. Regardless of everything everyone says about HR and what a pain in the butt it is to follow what HR enforces, I've always really looked up to HR or whomever it is that helps hold a group/company/team together. I think it is a difficult job to put yourself aside to meet the demands of your crew while still knowing when you need to put yourself first at an expense of your group. She said to me, "Tammy I honestly don't know if this is the right decision to make, but if I don't try, I'll be kicking myself in the butt 6 months later thinking about what could have been." Simple as that. I wish I were as simple as that.

Whaaat am I doing, I don't know.

I'd hate to walk away as if this never existed.

This morning I woke up and freaked out about everything that's been going on lately. Since then, I've changed my mind every hour.

I hate when I mess things up I can't handle at someone else's expense. It makes me feel guilty to think I'm not dependable for others, and it makes me feel guilty to think I'm not independent.

Wow, what am I doing?





On a completely separate note, I just crossed Karen's LJ and saw dozens of pictures from her recent CSC Novi hangouts. Also, Erin's LJ mentioned that Cheryl's wedding just passed and everyone from Rebecca's went and had a good time. I'm not even going to pretend I'm not dying of jealousy right now.

"Wonderwall" - Oasis

I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

Hmm, I don't really feel like updating but I guess I will.

Prisonbreak started back up this past week, but I missed it :-/ I don't think I'm gonna follow the season this year. Just because it had some sentimental value that I can't handle.

Thursday, I went to the Bosch Car Show in the pouring rain. It was worth it to see everyone for a little bit though.

Yesterday, I drove to and from Big Rapids to take Tim back to school and help him move in. My arms are a little bit sore (I know, I'm sooo out of shape!) from carrying his boxes from the van to the building and up the stairs. My butt is also sore from sitting in the van, which I find uncomfortable. Oh yeah, and before we left for Big Rapids, I went to Ricardo and got my butt kicked by JVA.

Took my doggie for a haircut today, and then played pool with the guys after a nice steak and a visit to CSC Novi.

I dunno, I don't really feel like writing.

Headache, heartache, heartbreak

("I've Got to See You Again" - Norah Jones)

I could almost go there just to live in a dream

When you go through a breakup, everyone that knows or finds out always throw out phrases like "meant to be" and "follow your heart" and "do what you want to do". Where would that have gotten me if I'd always followed my heart and never followed my head? In trouble, is where I get myself when I trust my heart 100%. Sometimes, I think my head knows best when my heart is too confused.

This is pretty cool: "The JCB DieselMax has set the FIA International Land Speed Record for a Diesel-Powered vehicle at 328.767mpg on the Bonneville Salt Flats, Utah on August 22, 2006. The DieselMax streamliner vehicle set two way sppeds of 324.265 and 333.364mpg within the stipulated one hour to set the record. The vehicle is powered by two modified JCB444 Diesel engines developed by Ricardo."

Watched both "Dirty Dancing" and "Dirty Dancing in Havana Nights" on Sunday night. That killed about half my day. But I wish I could dance like that, in fact, I wish I could dance everything! Maybe I'll take it up for my last two weeks of summer just for fun. Yeah I think I might.

Anyway, this Norah Jones song is a song I think I could learn to tango to. Her songs are mostly melancholy, and strangely, I think they sound very holiday-ish.

Oh yeah, Catherine and my trip got rescheduled. I should be there right now, but instead, we're going August 30 through September 1st. I'm debating because I want to take some time off for myself before school and work pick up again. Would it be more of a smooth transition to not stop working and just plow through school when it starts? Or would it be easier to take a couple days off before school starts up...? Well I just looked at the calendar and I've got the rest of this week at work, Wednesday through Friday next week in Chicago, and class start the following Tuesday. So I guess if I want to take a day off, it has to be tomorrow or Friday. Yeah I think that's what I'll do.

Last night, I went to the JCC to see Jay and the class. I can't believe how big it has gotten, and I can't believe who is still training! Supposedly, they're moving the program to a full time class out in a new building in Wixom. It made me regret all the times I stopped trainging and never really picked it back up again. If I still were training as hard as I did several years ago at the peack of my training, I can't imaing how great my progress and physical shape would be now. I might go to see the new school tonight. Maybe I'll take that up for the last two weeks of summer instead. Besides, it's better for me to train in philosophy, defense, and discipline than learning to dance.

Aside from all this, I'm wishing I had the money and time to spare for buying half-season Pistons tickets (or even a mini-plan which I think is 11 games). This'll also be the first year in years I won't be statkeeping, which pretty much leaves me to my TV for any basketball excitement.

Woodward Dream Cruise

^ Curtesy of Eaton VIP :)

^ You can't really see it, but this was a hottt color for a Cobra! It looked like an oil spill kind of thing.

^ Ow owww! Hot car! 'Cept the engine was kind of disappointing.

^ Jay Leno's car

^ Yeahh! Bosch and Ricardo baby!

^ Chrysler ME412, which Ricardo worked on ;)

^ Check out some info on this amazing car

^ 0 to 60 in 2.9 seconds, if I remember correctly

^ Definately super hot

^ New Jeep that's coming out in 2009

^ Back side

^ Party-ers we revved at

^ I wonder who this guy's head is that the girl is wearing

^ Nice :)

^ Mini-bar in the back of this Scion XB

^ Just some guy looking over at us

^ Chillin in the back^ Burn it out!^ I don't know if you can see it, but there's a rubber chicken hanging off the right door

^ Guy going "Wooooooo!"^ Nice lookin' Scion

^ This guy looks over and goes "I'm only a 2.2!!" and I'm going, "It's okay, you look good going slow!"

^ This kid was like "I've got a Cobalt!" and I'm thinking, "K kid, you're riding a truck"

^ Party-ers

^ Guy flashing us - haha

^ Ice cream man

^ More of those "Woooooo!" guys

^ Some smiley kid and a girl yawning in the background

^ I kinda like that

^ Party-ers

^ Thumbs up, Ferrari

^ Chillin' in the back

^ Vertical doors, horizontal man :) JK, I swear I'm kidding!

^ Party-ersGood weather, good food, good company, good times ;)

I really messed up big time

And I'm really sorry.

I didn't know what to do when I got home so I showered and came to work, so here I am.

Come and rest your bones with me

("Sunday Morning" - Maroon 5)

This song makes me thing of ATL '05. We were flying home from nationals on a beautiful Sunday morning, exhausted, and I kept thinking of the line "Driving home on Sunday morning, and I never want to leave".

Yesterday it hit me that if I had a dad, I'd be consulting him with sooo many things right now. I try to never really think about the situation, but I'm not even going to pretend that I don't wish to have a father figure around (other than Jay who I haven't talked to in months).

I almost forgot that this Saturday is the Woodward Dream Cruise that D and I are going to. Curtesy of Eaton :) VIP food, parking, and etc. Hopefully the weather will be nice and it will be a blast.

Had dinner with Winky yesterday since she just got back to Hong Kong and is leaving for GVSU next week. Tonight or tomorrow, I might see Colleen before she also goes back to GVSU. To add to the list, all the co-ops, Yvonne, my brother, and some other random old friends are all leaving soon too.

I hate when people leave.

Here's a problem...

I think about whatever is currently bothering me, then I stop and realize it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because no extra people in poverty or no starving children are ever going to be helped or fed because I'm sitting here worrying about something that means nothing, really. It's just excess drama.

But then I never solve anything.

Or on the flip side, I freak out about something that is nothing and think of every possible outcome to try to prepare for anything that might happen. I waste time worrying and then become so shaken from all the worrying that the problem isn't even what's really the problem anymore.

I need to figure out how to balance myself. I also need to figure out what I want/need/don't want/don't need.

The last 3 days have been the most crazy emotional rollercoaster I've been through in forever.

Yesterday while at work, Kyle called to tell me he was leaving today (at 2am) to drive back to KS. So I went to see him in the evening and it was weird for me. Not talking with him or seeing him but packing and hearing about how he's leaving Michigan again. And it felt like the first time he left when we tried to stay together. I don't know why but I started crying and this morning I woke up with puffy eyes again.

I think I have a problem. I think I don't know how to be alone.

GDG, you're a womanizer.

Today on the way to work, while listening to his "Stripped" CD, I realized that almost all of Gavin DeGraw's songs cover every situation you could be in in a relationship.

Belief - defending your relationship through love
I Don't Wanna Be - doing what you can to be yourself
Nice to Meet You Anyway - meeting someone while you're in a relationship
Crush - chasing someone you have a crush on
Just Friends - getting cheated on in a relationship and trying to forgive
Follow Through - commiting to a relationship that's getting started up
More Than Anyone - deep love in a relationship
Meaning - deep love in a relationship and standing up for the other person
Change is Gonna Come - believing there's something better for you out there

Sooo which one are you in?

Oh chariot

("Chariot" - Gavin Degraw, Stripped)

Didn't do much this weekend. Mostly lounged with the pup and today I've got to do some laundry or I'll run out of clean underwear.

I had the weirdest dream yesterday. As always, it was a series of events I fear that will happen in real life.

I dunno why I started this entry, I can't think of much to write. Maybe I'll write later.

I don't wanna get too close...

("Nice to Meet You Anyway" - Gavin DeGraw, Stripped) <--- addicted to this song right now

Wow, I have such a headache. And I'm feeling kind of heartachy.

Up until the moment I sat down at my desk this morning and realized today is our intern lunch day, I've been strangely, thoroughly convinced for the last 24 hours that today is a Wednesday. If our lunch wasn't today, I think I might have finished the week off not knowing what day it was.

21 people were arrested on their way from the UK to the US for liquid bombs. Media says this was Al Queda driven. Anyway, I imagine this whole thing will badly affect Ricardo since the mother company is in the UK and our people are flying back and forth daily. Needless to say, Catherine and I will probably be driving instead of flying to Chicago. I wonder how they got the tip off about the liquids or if security just picked it up or something.

Kinda got a lot going on at work, but it gets repetitive. I'm ready for tomorrow and this weekend.

Oh yeah, I finally "moved in" at work. I have a snack drawer, posted some pictures, comics, important phone extentions, and I've got shelves.

Hey this is kind of funny. Claude sent me to buy this camera a few months back and we were playing around with it. He goes, "This is like one of those picture that girls take when they meet Justin Timberlake and want to take a picture of themselves with him or something." And then he takes this :)And this is Owen. Kind of the typical, geeky IT guy, but he's funny:I decided to take my "comments" section off this blog because I kept getting all these ridiculous spam comments. Besides, I haven't made this blog public yet except for showing a couple of people.

What am I doing this weekend? I don't know. Winky is back in the US so I think I'll have dinner with her. Or maybe I'll just lounge.

Wow I don't I've ever rambled this much in an entry recently. I think I'll stop now.

Fondue me - hahaha :)

Aside from roses and a card, this stud took me out for a romantic evening at The Melting Pot on Sunday for our anniversary :) There are only three in Michigan and I've been begging him for a long time to take me to the one in Troy. But recently, one just opened in Novi. Yvonne and I couldn't even get in without reservations a couple weeks ago.

Here's the cheddar cheese fondue with bread, apples, and assorted veggies...

Here's the Signature Selection cooked with a Bourguignonne (cholesterol free canola oil). This came with yellow squash, broccoli, potatoes, mushrooms, chicken, beef, beef teryaki, fish, shrimp, five sauces (curry, chipotle, teryaki, sour cream & chives, and gargonzola cheese), and two bread coatings (tempura and a thicker sesame seed coating). Ohhh my gosh it was sooo good!