Thanksgiving in Florida!

We all went for a walk on the beach while waiting for the Turkey...
B and his grandma flipping the turkey over:
The fam :)
I thought I was taller than her, so the guys insisted we take a picture and then decide... although I think she stood up a little taller and cheated in this picture!
Turkey! I love fall foods!

The child inside me dares to believe I still can fly

I always despise "that girl" (sometimes my girl friends, sometimes a character in a movie or TV show) that is high maintenance, demanding, must be called at least once a day, needs to hear "I love you", or she gets mad. But I've slowly started to find myself being "that girl" and I hate it! My biggest issue is when I don't hear from him for over 24 hours (I can't believe I'm admitting this).

This make my skin crawl and I don't know why, and then in puts me in a very spiteful mood. He was like "you know I love you so why are you giving me crap when I'm trying to be nice? can we talk about this?" and I'm like "I don't want to talk about this" because I don't want to make nothing into something. Which is ironic because by the time I said it, I already had.

I want to think that it's just because our relationship is so intense and passionate and so happy when we're together, that being apart seems worse than it actually is. Even now, when I'm back in AA, I think to myself I will just go to bed on a Sunday night, wake up, and everything will go back to the way it was and I will go to Ricardo in the morning and we will get together with our friends at work for lunch and we will go home together after work and curl up and eat dinner and watch TV together and go out with friends on a late night and... what I would give just to have that back for a day.

I don't know how to keep myself sane when I'm not with him or busy with other things... I still don't feel like I'm really supposed to be here, and when I don't talk to him for awhile, that's all the connection I have left to "home" and then it's gone. I talk to him way more than my family, I'm not at Ricardo anymore, sometimes I'm not sure what good things I have going for me or what I connect with except with him, and I get angry at him without him knowing it because I feel like he made me feel this lonely, even though it is my fault. I mean, maybe it will change after winter break when I go home and realize I miss GR? I guess this stuff might take some time.

But I'm starting to think after too many life changes have happened and after too much time has passed, I don't have any more excuses why I've not become emotionally stronger/independent, and I'm starting to face the fact that it could just be me. I can't help but think that Grand Rapids was just not far enough away.

My first time ever voting

Today was my first time voting, and I went out of my way to make sure I got to vote!

As any other Tuesday or Thursday morning, I had to take a 45 minute buss to a class in Grand Rapids at 8:30am this morning. I had an exam at 11:30am, which I did a little extra studying for in between classes, and then at 12:45pm, I immediately hopped on a bus back to Allendale, and then another bus to go to the voting location. Waited in line almost an hour to vote, and took one bus back to Allendale again and another bus to Grand Rapids to be a few minutes late to my 4:00pm class.

I was flipping out because I was supposed to meet a group at 3:00pm for our group presentation at 4:00pm, and I not only had I missed that, but I didn't even know if I'd make it back to class on time. It got to a point where I was in line to vote and realized I could either vote and be late for a class our group was supposed to present in, or I could get out of line to make it back to class early enough to review with my group and ease into the actual class presentation.

I knew that if I wanted to get back just on time, I'd have to leave early. But I thought to myself "to hell with it" this is my first time having the opportunity to vote, I'll be late if I need to, even if my group is presenting to the class! I called my group members when I was on the bus, rehearsed while I was on the bus, and ran to class just a minute before we started. I didn't feel too bad that I had dumped a little bit on my group because I'd pulled my weight in the project earlier on, so it balanced out.

I was actually kind of nervous about voting, especially since I know I'm not super educated about all of the issues... I mean I tried to be but there are only so many things that actually apply to me that I understand). I knew my family was voting differently, and I'm told I'm so indecisive (that's the nice version that's been said to me) that I can't seem to make decisions on my own a lot. I know I contemplate a lot and ask for a lot of opinions, but yes, it's because I'm not confident in a lot of the decisions I make. But it's clear when I am confident in the decisions I make, and when I am, I'm extremely confident and demand to have it my way.

Also, something happened that evening that really took an unexpected, strange toll on my thoughts. I was having dinner with a friend who has strongly opposing views compared to mine. I'm usually quite passive when it comes to conversations about politics and religion because I think it is pointless getting into arguments (especially when a lot of people my age don't seem know what they're talking about), and I think it is more important to know what yourself thinks instead of convincing other people. Discussion is good, but I don't need to battle. Anyway the point is, for once, it really didn't sit right with me what this person was saying or how she was saying it. More so because we'd had a clean, healthy discussion about it before about how we completely disagreed, and here she was making a disrespectful, immature joke about it to my face and completely disregarding me. It'd happened before but I'd just shrugged it off, but maybe I was in my "election issues mode" so it bothered me. What am I trying to say here? I guess I was surprised at this because I don't usually feel too bothered by friends disagreeing on important issues, and I'm starting to see myself feel that way more often. Or maybe it's because we're newer friends and I didn't think she'd say something like that? I don't know, I'm just ranting now.

It makes me proud, for once, to be an American! I feel like I'm always struggling with this feeling that I'm not Asian enough to be Asian, not white (American) enough to be white, not girly enough to be a girly girl, not tomboy-ish enough to be a tomboy. I am somewhere in between everything and I have a hard time trying to figure out what to identify with. But this is one step towards something, and I'm still growing up in baby steps!

Dressing up for Halloween

Bryan and I were supposed to be Mr. Clean and a housewife, although my props were getting in the way so I just stuck them in the pockets of my apron and Bryan thought he looked like a giant condom since his fake bald head looked kind of funny!


Jess and Zach were Andy Warhol and his factory girl, Edie Sedgwick... (Jess had the big fur coat but it's not in this picture)

Nil's birthday celebration at Melting Pot

How much baggage is too much?

Sometimes, I judge other people and then wonder the same thing about myself too.