What about now? What about today?

I always say that relationships are not only about building each other up, but also being able to see things clearly for the other person when he/she cannot. And for the opposing person, having someone to trust when you can't see things clearly yourself.

But for once, I am tired of being pointed out all of the bad things about myself that someone else thinks. I'm trying to decide if that is worth the chance of having a relationship where we can build each other up.

The child inside me dares to believe I still can fly

I always despise "that girl" (sometimes my girl friends, sometimes a character in a movie or TV show) that is high maintenance, demanding, must be called at least once a day, needs to hear "I love you", or she gets mad. But I've slowly started to find myself being "that girl" and I hate it! My biggest issue is when I don't hear from him for over 24 hours (I can't believe I'm admitting this).

This make my skin crawl and I don't know why, and then in puts me in a very spiteful mood. He was like "you know I love you so why are you giving me crap when I'm trying to be nice? can we talk about this?" and I'm like "I don't want to talk about this" because I don't want to make nothing into something. Which is ironic because by the time I said it, I already had.

I want to think that it's just because our relationship is so intense and passionate and so happy when we're together, that being apart seems worse than it actually is. Even now, when I'm back in AA, I think to myself I will just go to bed on a Sunday night, wake up, and everything will go back to the way it was and I will go to Ricardo in the morning and we will get together with our friends at work for lunch and we will go home together after work and curl up and eat dinner and watch TV together and go out with friends on a late night and... what I would give just to have that back for a day.

I don't know how to keep myself sane when I'm not with him or busy with other things... I still don't feel like I'm really supposed to be here, and when I don't talk to him for awhile, that's all the connection I have left to "home" and then it's gone. I talk to him way more than my family, I'm not at Ricardo anymore, sometimes I'm not sure what good things I have going for me or what I connect with except with him, and I get angry at him without him knowing it because I feel like he made me feel this lonely, even though it is my fault. I mean, maybe it will change after winter break when I go home and realize I miss GR? I guess this stuff might take some time.

But I'm starting to think after too many life changes have happened and after too much time has passed, I don't have any more excuses why I've not become emotionally stronger/independent, and I'm starting to face the fact that it could just be me. I can't help but think that Grand Rapids was just not far enough away.

Reasons my roommate drives me insane - Part I

In no particular order:

1. She is constantly eating and drinks probably 5 cans of diet pops a day

2. She plays loud music on her laptop and sings a lot to songs over and over again really loudly

3. She is trying to learn how to play the guitar but only knows one song, so I have heard her sing and play "Hey There Delilah" at least 50 times in the first 3 days she had the guitar

4. She constantly leaves dirty dishes in the sink that aren't even her dishes to use

5. She has a turtle and keep live worms in a container in the top drawer of her dresser to feed him with... "oh I think a couple got out" she even said

6. The light in the turtle's tank is super bright and I always have to turn it off for her

7. She leaves the window open when it rains and the rain gets in the house

8. She leaves piles of clothes all over the floor so I can't even open/close the window or turn off the light in the turtle's cage

9. She leaves lights, fans, and TVs on all day and all night even if no one is using any of it

10. She and another roommate ate over 1/2 of the 24 pack of Ramen noodles Bryan bought me

11. She uses my space when I'm gone - I came home unexpectedly one time and she had stacked dirty dishes on top of my laptop

12. Her annoying high school sister is always over here and walks into the room without knocking when the door is closed and ate my prepared strawberries that I had just washed for a chocolate fondue and walks into the house like she lieves here.

13. Once a week, one of her parents picks her up to go grocery shopping and buy her tons of new clothes or other things

14. She sleeptalks... full fledged sentences and laughing out loud

15. Her alarm goes off super super loud before mine does but her classes are later than mine and she sleeps through them and skips them anyways

16. She always leaves out her DDR mat in the middle of the floor and the DVD player unplugged because she has to plug in her game system

17. She types like a maniac and it's like she's super angry at the computer so she has to punch each key as hard and as loud as possible

18. She makes lists on the white board of things she thinks we "need" as if someone will buy them for her and cross them off the list

19. She just leaves big messes everywhere of used dishes, partly eat food, crumbs, books, pens, her laptop

20. When she is sprawled out on the couch and table with all of her stuff, no one else can use the living room

21. She takes up all of our refrigerator and cabinet space, and she knows this and cracks jokes about it

22. She is just socially awkward

23. She leaves piles of nasty, dirty dishes in our tiny sink so that none of us can use the sink

24. She sprawls out over my space (bed and desk) when she thinks I'm not coming home for awhile... I caught her stacking dirty dishes on top of my laptop the other day

25. She has childish opinions about everything and feels the need to constantly tell me what she thinks about everything, all the time, even if I'm studying or clearly not interested in talking to her

I can't even explain what I've been through

Tonight is the first night I've turned my phone off in a long time. Not because it keeps ringing, but because I'm afraid it won't for the rest of the night.

Nobody trips over mountains

It's the small pebbles that cause you to stumble.

Well, I'm one week into this new chapter of my life, new place to live, new school, new city, finding new friends, new job. It is so overwhelming and I am having a really hard time adjusting, especially without my sweetie to come home and cry to after a rough day.

But I have thought about this decision over and over again for the last half year and I know it is the right thing to do in the long run. Cut myself off from a job that consumes me and holds me back because I don't have a degree, change schools to be away from the distractions and to put myself in an environment that I will enjoy, force myself to meet new friends and have a support system...

It's so hard to see this is a step forward through the day to day difficulties.

More to come, I have a lot of new challenges but I have to focus on school. After all, this is my second chance to get it right and start with a clean slate.

I can't escape myself

I've been dealing with a few things lately that are new to me:

- Feeling like the overprotective, jealous, controlling girlfriend (and feeling guilty for it)
- Feeling inefficient and walked all over at work (and feeling like I don't know what to do about it)
- Feeling pathetically lonely at home with only my doggy to talk to

About a week ago, I woke up from sleeping next to B feeling completely panicked about something from awhile ago. I got up to get some water and fell back asleep thinking of every possible way I could fix the problem... a year after it has happened. It's weird what happens to one's brain during sleep.

All because of you, I haven't slept in so long

When I get in deep arguments, I usually feel:
Angry at myself for letting someone else make me feel so frustrated
Upset that I sometimes feel I'm left with nothing/noone
Jealous of the people who always have someone... always
Sleepless/restless because I don't want to try to sleep with these thoughts consuming my mind
Pathetic for the previous lines above

Ready to abandon anything and everything in order to not have to sort any of this out at that moment. If all the internship paperwork works out, I'll get my chance to do it this summer.

Time to stuff someone's laptop with errors

This week has been one of the toughest I've had in awhile. My job is more or less about managing people, not really about managing tasks. I don't mean in a manager's managing sort of way, I mean in a customer service sort of way. What makes it difficult, is not having a boss who will vouch for me... or at the very least, not having a boss. Period. What makes it even worse, is having a fill in boss who actually contradicts what I do and say.

I feel like I can relate to this real well: "Time to Stuff Someone's Mailbox w/ Flat Lids"

Customer, upon receiving her Moolatte: “This has a round lid, can I have a flat lid?”

Me: “I’m sorry, the only lid that fits that cup is a dome lid.”

Customer: “But I want a flat lid, Starbucks always gets me a flat lid! Why can’t you?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the flat lids we have won’t fit that cup.”

Customer: “I want to speak with your manager.” *mutters* “Stupid kids…”

(I go and get my manager)

Manager: “What’s the problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “This stupid employee of yours won’t give me a flat lid!” *brandishes the drink in his face*

(My manager takes one of every single lid in the store and puts them in front of her)

Manager: “Go ahead then.”

Customer: *proceeds to try and put the lids on the cup, none of which fit* “This is ridiculous! Why don’t you have a flat lid?! Starbucks always has a flat lid!!”

Manager: “Then go buy your drinks there and leave my employees alone.”

What is this life for?

Lots of difficult decisions that are overdue, and I feel like there is no person I can depend to fall back on if all goes wrong.

This is my obsession

How can you tell me the way I should live my life?
I'm always second best to somebody else

Can't seem to hold it together sometimes

I need to be in the presence of someone other than my own crying shame.

Yet I think sometimes I push away the ones I love who love me because I'm afraid of giving anyone a chance to make me feel worse than I make myself feel.

Where does that leave me?

I regret tomorrow more than yesterday

I think I'm onto two extremes, and I don't know how to balance.

The first and better of the two: having the time of my life with my S.O., new friends, new relationships, and excited for upcoming events and holidays.

The second: terrified and embarrassed of how I'm doing in school to the point where I am trying to figure out what the alternative is incase I am really failing.

I thought I'd seen it all, now I have

They let go of my boss today. I was so sad, I started crying when I talked to him on the phone.

More later. I think this is too depressing to write about.

I'm kind of mean sometimes

So, if there's something about me you should know, it is that I am a pick-up-and-go person who sees what she wants and is a go-getter! And if you don't like that, you can pick yourself up and go.

Don't tell me I didn't warn you!

Sappy love songs and ice cream

Yesterday...
Novi to Dearborn to have lunch with Rau
Deaborn to Troy to see CGC people
Troy to Ann Arbor to see BGS and CE for dinner and ice cream
and then back home to sleep in my own bed.

I wasn't feeling up-to-par yesterday but I thought a little sleep and a new day would cure that. I woke up today feeling the most mopey I think I've felt since the breakup. Just a collection of thoughts I guess, and everything put together is just a little frustrating.

Today would have been our 2 1/2 year anniversary.

We had fire in our eyes

Work was good today, as usual. I still have my little daily peeves with certain people *ahem* but I did a little coffee run with Courtney this morning because 7am to 7pm McDonald's has free coffee :) It's the smaller things that seem to make me especially happy right now.

I was thinking about my Chinese speaking abilities during class today (or rather, my lack of). I've developed some bad habits that stop me from learning Chinese progressively. Like when my mom and I talk to each other, I'll say a word in English if I can't think of it in Chinese. Or when I'm trying to get a thought out fast (we all know I have too much to say), I can't arrange the words in the same order as it is in English so I get frustrated and just say it in English. And most of all, I don't talk to anyone but my mom in Chinese unless I'm in Taiwan. I dunno.

Anyway, Chinese class wasn't even awkward with D until afterwards when we got in an argument about my broken bumper which ended in him calling me a bitch (I know he didn't mean it). I stormed off and came ridiculously close to getting in an accident with cars on both my right and left sides, one driving towards me, and I think that's when I started crying again.

I went for a power run with my baby doggie when I got home. I don't know why. I deeply hate running too, but I guess I was already so sweaty and my adrenaline was going it didn't even matter because I felt like I'd been running already. I must be super out of shape too, because I had a little trouble keeping up with my tiny 8 lb. dog. Gotta work on that, hahaha.

On another "good small things" note, my Tyrone Wells CD came in the mail today and it is just as good as I'd hoped!

My mother upsets me greatly

After how much I've tried to do putting myself out there and vouching for the right people *ahem* it's just not enough for her!

It kills me that I'm not the only one upset with myself for this.

Some kind of summer weekend

This past weekend was productive and fun, but somewhere deep inside of me, I've still been anxious for this upcoming final exam. I've gotten to the point now where I'm not worried about the grade I'm getting, but more so just passing this dreaded class so I can get it out of my system.

I try to avoid having to talk about school as much as possible because I just cringe thinking about it. But when the topic does come up, I very often get one of those, "No offense or anything, but your Asian" and I go "I know I know!" As if it isn't enough to wake up and see in the mirror that my image does not match my scholarly success, people have to tell this to me like they've just seen a Penguin try to fly. "But Penguin, you're a bird! You're supposed to be able to fly!"

Aside from all this, D took me out for lobster on Friday after work. It might have been the first time I've had real lobster that you break open yourself. It wasn't bad but I did get a little squeamish when D started snapping the claws together to show me how the lobster moves his claws.


Afterwards, we swung by to pick up Romey and went back to D's to see Inga, her mom, and her dog. Romey and Cici (the Shi Tzu) are so funny together! They're also complete opposites. Just for fun, we walked over to Cat's to see her and her parents and show them the puppies (kind of a blurry picture).


I couldn't fall asleep Friday night. I just laid there like an idiot with so much on my mind, I finally woke up and read through some work emails and stuff until I felt a little more tired. I just feel so restless sometimes, I don't know what to do. It's kind of ironic though because once I'm asleep, that's it!

Saturday was a trip to Ricardo with Tim, and then to Uncle Lazslo's for Goulash. Romeo, Cici, and Daytona ran around the yard all night until Romeo discovered Martha's horse. He threw a fit and growled and barked at the horse all night until we left.

Saturday night, I fell asleep on the couch at 10ish (I don't even remember D leaving my house). Woke up at 12 for long enough to walk upstairs, and then I woke up at 5 to change into pj's, and fell back asleep until 1pm. Talk about abnormal sleeping habits.

Then I'll take payments in chocolate

I guess this entry should be dated a week or two ago, but it's an overview of everything that has been happening at work these last few weeks so I don't think I need to change the posted date.

There are some days where I leave work and all I can think is "I just don't get paid to put up with this kind of shit." I am really bitter and cynical about the response I got when I asked Claude about getting compensated properly for my new, ridiculous amount of heavily depended on responsibilities.

Claude usually pulls through for me, and in the past, he has exceeded above and beyond my expectations (and has even suprised me a few times) with his great leadership skills. But this time, I basically got a BS answer.

He said something about how my pay schedule is more stretched out because I'm here all year 'round, and so I'm not considered to be on an intern's pay schedule. Even Veronica last summer, becoming a sophomore, made more than I make right now becoming a sophomore. By proportion, it would be smarter for me to leave and come back than to stay all-year-round.

So my second idea was to ask for a different kind of compensation - to have a second co-op come work with us. I proposed the idea that I bring in a friend (or sibling - I'll get to that later) to help out with some work. I actually suggested this before Catherine even announced her leave, so my train of thought was not geared the way it might appear to others now. This would be the most no-strings-attached solution for IT. Pay the same amount to a second person without having to lift a finger in training him/her, having the obligation to keep him/her the whole summer, or having to worry about anything else like that. But this idea was also shot down.

I better be compensated in one way or another eventually.

Aaaaauuuugghhhhhhhh... I don't know

Sometimes, I really really hate being in a relationship. I mean I really really hate feeling like I'm stuck and I don't have a choice. I know it's a strong statement to make, but I can barely take care of myself, much less someone else. I don't want the results of my actions to have to affect two people either - I want to do what I do and be done with it.

If I were to still be in a relationship, I'd want to want to be with that person and want them to want to be with me or not. I can't stand being with someone who needs me - I can't be needed! I need myself more than I need someone to need me.

I can't even begin to describe how trapped I feel. All I can express when I think about my frustration is just wanting to rip my hair out and cry and scream (which I have done, which somehow has not gone noticed).

Common I'm 18 for heaven's sake - I don't want to act or even feel like I'm married. Just leave me alone!

I absolutely will not result to being one of those girls who finds a guy at a young age and decides she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. It's stupid, it really is. Because then when you have problems, you tell yourself "It's okay we'll just work through this" or "If we can work through this, we can grow and become stronger." Girls like that need to face the fact that they are too young to excuse themselves in having to put up with this kind of stuff. Totally unnecessary.

And yet I am becoming her who has no courage to do what she wants.

Of course I always get the "well fine, if you feel so strongly about it then why don't you just say we should break up?" and eventually I say it and noone takes me seriously.

Sometimes I really think people take what I say as a joke.

On the flip side, it's nice to have someone there for you especially when it seems like everyone else has bailed out on you. I mean we watch out for each other and are there in a split second for each other if anything happens. We enjoy each other's company and usually have a blast. It's nice to have someone to curl up with when you're cold or sad, it's nice to have someone to always call or be on the phone with when you're driving home from school or after a bad day at work.

But sometimes I wonder how I've come so long being so dependent and compromising what I really want to be. I don't know how I ended up like this.