Aaaaauuuugghhhhhhhh... I don't know

Sometimes, I really really hate being in a relationship. I mean I really really hate feeling like I'm stuck and I don't have a choice. I know it's a strong statement to make, but I can barely take care of myself, much less someone else. I don't want the results of my actions to have to affect two people either - I want to do what I do and be done with it.

If I were to still be in a relationship, I'd want to want to be with that person and want them to want to be with me or not. I can't stand being with someone who needs me - I can't be needed! I need myself more than I need someone to need me.

I can't even begin to describe how trapped I feel. All I can express when I think about my frustration is just wanting to rip my hair out and cry and scream (which I have done, which somehow has not gone noticed).

Common I'm 18 for heaven's sake - I don't want to act or even feel like I'm married. Just leave me alone!

I absolutely will not result to being one of those girls who finds a guy at a young age and decides she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. It's stupid, it really is. Because then when you have problems, you tell yourself "It's okay we'll just work through this" or "If we can work through this, we can grow and become stronger." Girls like that need to face the fact that they are too young to excuse themselves in having to put up with this kind of stuff. Totally unnecessary.

And yet I am becoming her who has no courage to do what she wants.

Of course I always get the "well fine, if you feel so strongly about it then why don't you just say we should break up?" and eventually I say it and noone takes me seriously.

Sometimes I really think people take what I say as a joke.

On the flip side, it's nice to have someone there for you especially when it seems like everyone else has bailed out on you. I mean we watch out for each other and are there in a split second for each other if anything happens. We enjoy each other's company and usually have a blast. It's nice to have someone to curl up with when you're cold or sad, it's nice to have someone to always call or be on the phone with when you're driving home from school or after a bad day at work.

But sometimes I wonder how I've come so long being so dependent and compromising what I really want to be. I don't know how I ended up like this.