My first fish auction

My first fish auction was also the first auction I'd ever been to.

It was quite serious for the buyers and sellers that showed up. Everyone had very concerned, serious looks on their faces when they inspected the bags of fish and scribbled down the reference number for each fish. You know only the serious aquatic fanatics show up at these things, so you also know that the sellers and buyers really know what they're doing.

I bought a whole bunch of plants. Over a dozen small bundles of Saggitaria and a good few handfuls of Baby's Breath. The Saggitaria was dangled in a web of thick roots, so when I got home, I replanted the roots just to see what might happen.

Oh I also bought a python syphon for $11 (usually, this is nearly $60 at a store). It is 20' long and has attachments for a sink, so now I can avoid carrying buckets back and forth.

D's made a spur of the moment purchase - a real nice 45 long, gallon aquarium and stand for less than half the price of buying it brand new. The condition is great and looks like it has never really been used, although the stand is a little bit beaten up.

This means I get D's old 40 tall! I can't wait to set it up and start my aqua gardening!

But alas, we promised each other that neither of us would mess with the take down or re-build of our aquariums until school is out.

More than complicated

I don't really want to deal with the pressures of a relationship anymore, but
I enjoy his companionship and he is my best friend.

I am afraid that if the next big decision I make isn't one that gives me a chance to move, get away from away, and flee from my problems, I'll get pushed over the edge.

I am scared of making a decision to improve how unhappy I am because I'm afraid I will realize there's no one who will be strong enough to carry me if I fall.

My brother told me some really discerning things on the phone that made me cry in a heartbeat. It only proves my theory true - that the three of us are so disconnected, everyone would probably be more relieved if we weren't obligated to stick together.

Which way do I go?

I dunno if it's the beat or lyrics or what but these songs put me in kind of a foxy mood :P

Fall Out Boy - "This Ain't A Scene"
Clipse - "Ain't Cha"
Usher - "Take Your Hand"
Usher - "Bad Girl"
Gwen Stefani feat. Akon - "Sweet Escape"
Jamie Scott - "Made"

The love of my life

After the pup greeted me when I got home today (he's always so happy when someone comes home or when someone knocks on the door), I was playing around with him and I picked him up and started teasing him. I started blowing puffs of air at his ears and he did not like this. Usually he sort of tells me to back off by pretending he's going to bite, but this time he snapped a little too close and sort of scratched my nose and lip. I guess I deserved it for bullying him though, but I think it's hilarious how spunky he is.

But he's also such a sweetheart! Yesterday, I was sitting on the couch with my laptop in my lap and he sort of came over and nudged it. Sometimes he nudges pillows and blankets like he's checking what's under them so I picked up my laptop for him to check under. He crawled into my lap, made a little circle, and went right to sleep :)

Anyway, here are some of my favorite pictures of him I was looking through:

If you pick up my pup when he's in a calm and cuddly mode, it is so precious! He'll kind of curl up around your arm and fall asleep. Oh and he also snores! But yeah this is a good picture to show his small size.
I took this because I thought this was would be a funny picture. It kind of looks like he's using the laptop - haha
Sometimes, if you're sitting on a chair or couch with your legs down, he'll kind of just walk up, put his paws on your leg, and pop up to see what's going on.
Often when he's bored or at home alone, he'll jump up by the bay windows and watch what's going on outside like it's a TV until he falls asleep. He'll even stick his nose up to the crack of the window and take a few really deep breaths of fresh air! It was quite funny when we figured out what he was doing, and my mom started putting blankets up there for him to fall asleep on. As you can see, he's pretty protective of his toys too - he'll gather them in a pile next to his bed before he falls asleep (that's his ear hanging off the edge).
This is the first time Romeo got to meet Catherine's dog named Little Man (I know, weird name right?) It was kind of funny because Romeo sort of bullied her dog around... of course I won't deny, her dog was kind of being a pushover anyway and I think Romeo was getting mad that Little Man didn't want to play. I mean he loves chasing/being chased by dogs and humans and Little Man would sort of just back up and corner himself before barking a fit at Romeo to make him back off.
A picture from the first day we had him :) He's so tiny! I don't even think he was 4 lbs. when we first got him. My little baby!
Sometimes when there's nothing good on TV (aka there's nothing fun to watch out the window), he'll kind of sit on the steps with his head between the rails. I would have never guessed he could fit his head there, but even when people are downstairs and he is on the steps, he'll poke his head through to look down and see what's going on.
In the morning after he wakes up with my mom, he'll come to my room when she leaves for work and he'll and go back to sleep in my bed. When I get up for a shower, he usually gets up with me and follows me around until I actually get in the shower. Sometimes, he sleeps outside the bathroom door waiting to lick my legs when I get out, but sometimes, I come back to my room and he has crawled back into bed! Often times he'll even crawl halfway under my covers.
This is before his first official haircut! I can't believe he looks so fat with all that hair (which is why it's hilarious to give him a bath - he looks like a little skeleton under all that hair). Tim cropped this picture, shrunk it down, and wrote "die!" in red letters under his face as an AIM icon joke since his eyes are kind of devilish in this picture - haha
This is another picture from the first day we bought him. After we chased him and played with him for a few hours, me, my mom, Tim, and Dusan all kind of stood around him trying to figure out how we could get him to take a nap on his new bed. We pulled the bed out of his little cage-y and put it on the ground while we were talking about it, and he sort of walked over, sniffed, scratched to fluff it up, plopped down, and sighed. He is so funny when he sighs before he falls asleep! It's like he's had a stressful day or something. Well after he fell asleep, we moved him and the bed back into the cage-y and gave him a little blanket. He sorta kicked it off and scrunched it up but I remember I couldn't resist taking this picture because of the awkward posture he was in.
I think this picture is adorable because his face is so precious! Also, D was just sitting there on the couch and Romeo crawled up the armrest and sat down on D's head :) And his hair looks kind of funny too.
I just like this picture because I think he kind of looks like a bear! We joke that he is part bear (by the way he walks), part bunny (by the way he hops when he wants to slow down from running), part snake (by the way his tounge flickers in and out), and part pig (because the shape of his nose is kind of funny).
I think having a dog has most definitely improved the relationship of our family. We're not at all affectionate towards each other but we've all grown to generally be more affectionate people after we got the pup. Also, we kind of treat him like he's our little kid so we joke and laugh to each other about funny things that have happened. I honestly dunno what I'd do without him!

Aaaaauuuugghhhhhhhh... I don't know

Sometimes, I really really hate being in a relationship. I mean I really really hate feeling like I'm stuck and I don't have a choice. I know it's a strong statement to make, but I can barely take care of myself, much less someone else. I don't want the results of my actions to have to affect two people either - I want to do what I do and be done with it.

If I were to still be in a relationship, I'd want to want to be with that person and want them to want to be with me or not. I can't stand being with someone who needs me - I can't be needed! I need myself more than I need someone to need me.

I can't even begin to describe how trapped I feel. All I can express when I think about my frustration is just wanting to rip my hair out and cry and scream (which I have done, which somehow has not gone noticed).

Common I'm 18 for heaven's sake - I don't want to act or even feel like I'm married. Just leave me alone!

I absolutely will not result to being one of those girls who finds a guy at a young age and decides she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. It's stupid, it really is. Because then when you have problems, you tell yourself "It's okay we'll just work through this" or "If we can work through this, we can grow and become stronger." Girls like that need to face the fact that they are too young to excuse themselves in having to put up with this kind of stuff. Totally unnecessary.

And yet I am becoming her who has no courage to do what she wants.

Of course I always get the "well fine, if you feel so strongly about it then why don't you just say we should break up?" and eventually I say it and noone takes me seriously.

Sometimes I really think people take what I say as a joke.

On the flip side, it's nice to have someone there for you especially when it seems like everyone else has bailed out on you. I mean we watch out for each other and are there in a split second for each other if anything happens. We enjoy each other's company and usually have a blast. It's nice to have someone to curl up with when you're cold or sad, it's nice to have someone to always call or be on the phone with when you're driving home from school or after a bad day at work.

But sometimes I wonder how I've come so long being so dependent and compromising what I really want to be. I don't know how I ended up like this.