For what it was while it lasted

I had a conversation last summer with an old friend about wishing to never see someone again. I'm not trying to sound like a suck-up or anything, but I don't think I would ever wish to never see someone again. I might not want to see someone for awhile because of a grudge, but in my head, it makes sense to eventually see that person again (even if not to reconcile).

Someone that has hurt me - I would like to see again and find out if he/she has changed. I think we talked about this the most, actually. Even someone such as my father, eventually I would want to find him, call him up, ask him out to lunch, and tell him after years how I feel about him and what he has done to me. It might be painful, but I would hope that somehow, I could either gain some kind of closure or even better, we'd have the opportunity to start over. At the very least, I might find out he has not changed a bit and then I could just disregard the whole thing. Not that I would ever want to be, but maybe a person has to be unforgivably hurt to wish never to see someone again.

Someone I really cared about but lost touch with - I would like to see that he/she has become successful and maybe have the chance to reconnect. I wouldn't want to grow old and realize that along the way, I never tried to express appreciation to people who have mattered and made a difference in my life. This is why I love reunions. I mean, in the first place, how does a relationship with important someone even fade away?

Someone I didn't really care for - well why not see them again? It is only another opportunity to give them or get another chance to be more than acquaintances. Or I guess it could just confirm what you already think about them. It's like kids that hate certain types of foods and then grow up to realize the really like it.

Someone I have a deep history with - I don't think (up until maybe recently) I have been in a situation where I have no communication at all with someone I had a deep or lengthy history with. Even Kyle and I are still great friends and keep in touch every week or so. I think maybe I would like to see him/her again to see where life has taken them from the person I once knew well.

Someone I never really knew but should have - I was thinking recently about relatives on my dad's side of the family and have been wondering what they're up to. I don't even know how I'd even begin the search to find my cousins on his side. The last I remember, a few of my favorite older cousins were in the army in Taiwan. Maybe about 7 years ago, I saw them in uniform for dinner for about half an hour before they had to return to their base... which means by now, they could be married and even have kids.

Am I just being naive? It's just that I always wonder if people I remember will remember me.

I usually don't do these quizzes

Top Twos

Two Names You Go By:
1. Tamster
2. Tams

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Plaid PJ pants
2. Old sweater

Two Things You Want in a Relationship:
1. Motivation to be something more (for self as well as each other)
2. To always make each other laugh

Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
1. This is dorky, but work on my aquariums
2. Get-togethers with good friends

Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:
1. To be done with the semester
2. To find out I got into a summer internship I applied for

Two pets you had/have:
1. Romeo my Havanese puppy
2. Hammy, a hamster I had when I was younger

Two top friends:
1. Ummmm
2. Too many I want to list!

Two things you did last night:
1. Had a really great drink
2. Worked on a 3000 piece puzzle, hehehe

Two things you ate today:
1. A creamy soup
2. Salmon for dinner

Two people you Last Talked To:
1. Dusan
2. Mom

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:
1. Picking up Steven to go to school
2. Going to Ricardo

Two Favorite Holidays:
1. Christmas of course
2. 4th of July for fireworks and stuff :)

Two favorite beverages:
1. Apple juice
2. Pepsi

Two of your least favorite things to do:
1. Study for or attend math class
2. Wake up early

Two things you want to do before you die:
1. Live in NYC or Taipei for a year or even summer
2. Learn to drift properly :)

Two things you absolutley cannot live without:
1. My puppy!
2. My loaner laptop - haha

Two things you'd change about yourself:
1. Trying not to be cynical and stingy about things so much
2. I'd want to be able to laugh things off more easily too

Two things you would take back:
1. A lot of things I've said
2. A lot of moments I've wasted

Two foods you love:
1. Potatoes of any kind - mashed, sweet, baked, fries, hash browns, redskins...
2. Steamed veggies

Two foods you hate:
1. Tomatoes!!!
2. Hmmm... not a big fan of olives

Two favorite resturants:
1. Macaroni Grill
2. Brann's

Two favorite places:
1. Curled up under my covers
2. Driving in my car

Two fears:
1. Doing progressively worse in school
2. Not being financially independent

Sluggishness mess

While catching myself in the middle of a sentence today, I realized there are some things I hate to admit about myself because I don't like the way they will sound out loud.

I don't want to make excuses for myself, but lately, I think I have become lazier than I was before because I'm a lot less motivated and interested. I'm starting to realize I don't really like working at Ricardo anymore. I'm starting to think kind of badly about a lot of people I work with, which annoys me. I feel like I can never catch up with the endless amounts of "intern" work (to put it nicely) everyone has for me. But simply, I'm starting to feel bored with nothing new lately or no one new, and I'm starting to daydream more than I actually pay attention to reality.

Itching to find out if I received any of the out-of-state summer internships I applied for, I'm also nervous to maybe have to find out I was not accepted and will have to spend another summer doing what I've been doing. In general, I think I'm ready to be somewhere new, do something new, see something new, and meet new people. Does this have something to do with the fact that I've been in Novi/Northville almost my entire life? I feel like I have never really established myself here the way I would like, and I still don't think I'm doing a good job of it during my first year at UMD. I guess I just want a new and different chance to try - or do I just want a different situation to confirm I really do have my priorities all wrong?

The other night, I took Gabe to Jay's new school to introduce the two of them since Gabe is becoming more interested in martial arts. Er I should say... UFC (which is not martial arts). Jay had me go out on the floor and train with everybody (me in my jeans and T-shirt too). Usually when I do this, I just need to refresh my memory before I'm caught up to where I left off. However, last night, I came to a complete brain freeze and still could not complete forms and routine training practices we used to do after working through the motions 3 or more times. I don't know why, but this bothers me a lot realizing that one of the things I've been most passionate about, I didn't even stick to.

Although I have always, always thought I should strive to grow up and be a completely independent and business-driven woman, I recently had a strange, opposite thought: I think I could easily be happy just tending to my various hobbies and taking care of a house/family. Not to offend anyone, but up until now, I would have never allowed myself to be this before being that independent and business-driven woman (especially after seeing what my mom went through in her marriage - I've seen the importance of establishing a "me" before anything else). In fact I could even say I sort of looked down on girls who don't have a personal ambition before wanting to be a wife and mother.

I had a conversation with Natalie at dinner earlier today about someone who purely wants to marry her boyfriend right out of college. She's somehow convinced she'll be making a ridiculously high salary being a family psychiatrist or at least be able to spend the money he'll have (I guess you have to know these two people to understand the irony of this). Needless to say, their relationship is an absolute mess too.

While questioning why long-term satisfaction doesn't motivate me as much as it should, I wonder why I talk gun-ho about becoming successful. But right now, I'm lazier than ever. Is it me who needs the reality check?

Don't get arrested

The other day I was getting on the highway and in the little triangle of grass between 8 Mile, the 8 Mile ramp onto 275, and 275 there was a man on his knees with handcuffs on and he was surrounded by cops!

Went to GLR: 548 made it to the semi-finals, Novi was 1/3 of the alliance that won, and PCEP didn't do so well. And a funny story: one of those freshman girls on the PCEP team turned around and told the team "on the count of 3, everyone yell 'Lindsey shake your booty!' " so everyone stood up and someone was trying to get Marty to get Lindsey's attention (and that one song "Shake it Like a Polaroid Picture" was on too). It was sooo funny, she started cracking up and doing this weird dance-y thing and I was just cracking up.

Went to have dinner with Colleen afterwards and was thinking on the way home about how we because good friends. Her ex was best friends with an old crush I had and the four of us went to homecoming my high school freshman year. Now, we've dropped the boys and we're really close :)

With a sense of poise and rationality

Went to the Pistons vs. Bulls game a few weeks ago (where everyone boo'ed every time Ben touched the ball) - hands down, the loudest game I've ever been to! We won by a 2 pointer Webber shot in the last 2.2 seconds:

When I really think about not going anywhere for spring break, it's okay because I tell myselfI'll just wait until I've graduated and have a job. Then I will have to money to really enjoy myself, take a good two weeks without having to worry about coming back to school, I'll be old enough to go to Vegas to gamble and drink if I want to, I'll be able to spend a little extra money to upgrade to a nicer hotel... you know. Stuff like that. I ended up working most of the week but I did get to do 3 really cool things together since I had more time:

1. Ricardo hosted the annual Casino Night last Saturday. Since our company is small enough to have these little outings, they invited all the employees plus one guest to this banquet hall where there was catered food, a chocolate fountain with fruits and pastries for dessert, casino dealers, and a deejay for music. And yes, all those chips sitting in front of me are mine! Of the 9 people at out table, I wiped out most of them :) Until the last hand where I matched the last person left all in because I realized my funny money was not enough to win the grand prize.And to keep it going, D had some buddies and me over for euchre and more poker:
2. D's Aunt Martha wanted to get rid of one of her aquariums. He and I spend literally a day and a half taking apart, taking down, cleaning, and re-setting up the 40 gallon aquarium at his apartment. I am jealous - it has such gorgeous fish! They are mostly cichlids - two orange, one dark yellow, and two blue striped - but he also has a plecost*mos catfish (D says it's bad luck to spell out the whole name), a clown loach, an upside down fish that actually swims upside down, and a fish called a Daffodil, like the flower. We bought this great looking castle with lots of places for the fish to hide in because they are very territorial. It was hard though because they swim fast. Oh and there are 4 giant zebra danios as mediators but really, they just steal all the food.
3. I got my hair highlighted. I haven't done that in a few years since it's pretty pricey! But I also needed a haircut bad so I got it all done at once.After a month and a half of this on going thing, things with my mom are finally getting better. We talked about random things for like an hour yesterday while playing with the puppy. She was asking "how are things at work" and "how are things at school". Turns out, she was talking to a friend at work and decided she might want to start a blog or something so I was showing her one of the blogs I made about the pup.

Back tracking a little bit, my female guppies have been having baby guppy fry (did I already mention that?) About 3 or 4 weeks ago, I actually sat down to watch my fish while I was on the phone with D and my 2 pregnant guppies looked really fat so I separated them into the floating trap tank. I called it - I told him on the phone "This one looks so pregnant, I bet you if I sit here for 5 minutes, it will burst" and sure enough, within half an hour, one of my pregnant guppies had 2 fry! Unfortunately, the other pregnant guppy ate the second guppy less than a minute after it was born, and I got to see that too (blehh).

Tonight, Justin came over and me, Tim, and Justin were watching my pregnant fish again. I moved them back to my floating trap tank since they are the largest I have seen since the last time I watched them have babies. It was pretty much a replay of the last time I saw the births. We watched for about half an hour and when I thought I saw two tiny eyes poking out, Tim whipped out the camcorder and we watched in awe. To make a long story short, we watched and taped for 8 minutes and in the end, we concluded that what came out of the pregnant guppy was either a deformed and dead baby or it was a really really large, strange looking piece of poo. I really do think it's a dead baby though, but we have it all on tape either way.