Cuz I'm not built that way

("Duck and Run" - Three Doors Down)

I laid down at 11:30 after coffee with Winky, buying spray roses (which are adorable), some hard lemonade with leftover stuffed cabbage from the party, and D coming over and fixed some stuff at my house. It's now freakin' 1:30am and my mind is racing, and I'm panicking.

Part of me just wants to close my eyes (figuratively) and machine through these fears without thinking about how numbing it will become, part of me is freaking out. I've come to the realization that: I've changed my mind about everything I've thought about everytime I've thought about it in the last few weeks, which pretty much means I need some time to re-think things for myself. Yeah that sentence made more sense in my head.

Last night I had this ridiculous dream about a war that involved everyone in my life. Completely randomly, I was fighting with and against people from every part of my life as I ran for my life, dodged bullets, hid, and ultimately, woke up when a huge explosion almost killed me. I woke up numb, heart racing, sweating, kicking my blankets off, and clutching my pillow like my life depended on it. Wow, what is going on with me?

How in the heck am I going to juggle school with Ricardo?

It feels like home to me

If you knew how much this moment means to me
"Feels Like Home" - Chantal Kreviazuk

It felt real good to sit in a steaming, hot lavender bath and sort things out with an amazing friend (on the phone, of course). I'm home and I think I'm ready for things to pick up again.

After a week of hellish ordeal...

...here's what Paradise I have for the night:

I'm...
In my own suite in gorgeous Chicago
Sitting here in my pj's
Covered in a huge flannel blanket
Tapping away on my wireless laptop
Watching Wayne Brady on TV
Eating my penne alfredo, chicken, and spinach
And an amazing salad with chickpeas
And a huge slice of praline cheesecake
Drinking sweet tea
And I'm not paying a dime for it :)

The best part is, this is the first time in long time I think I am truly content with myself and with being by myself.

Back tracking (is that one word?), yesterday was ridiculously overwhelming between packing, taking the dog to get neutered, cleaning for possible house showings, getting everything set up to take with me to Chicago, catching a flight, finding our way to the hotel, finding our way to Ricardo CTC, and actually focusing on work. Plus I got a huge surprise last night after the exhausting day I had.

Yesterday evening, Reggie took Catherine and me to Papadeaux's: a high-class seafood restaurant with $20 plates. I had the most amazing plate of salmon in a lemon, buttery sauce and thick, juice asparagus all grilled on a palate.

Today was actually a little more laid back for how work usually is. I have to say that Reggie is a great guy and I hope that next year, Claude will send me back to CTC to work with Reggie. He is definitely one of those people I would love to learn from in an internship.

It was hilarious - after lunch today, Reggie took Catherine and me around in our little, black PT Cruiser rental to see million dollar Burr Ridge houses. There was a For-Sale-By-Owner house, and as a joke, Reggie had me call the owner to ask about the house. It was a $999,000 house (yes, not $1,000,000)!

I talked to Bobby the other day and I'm feeling better about this whole school situation. After taking Tim back to Big Rapids on Friday and helping him unpack, I realized he was one of the last to leave for school. I'm jealous that everyone is leaving to go back to school, but excited for the opportunities to come for them and for me. It'll be a blast to visit! I think Vonnie and I have already planned a weekend at State, and I'll be going to Grand Rapids to see Colleen and Joe for sure.

I'm not even sad that this trip is ending tomorrow because just a few moments of feeling spirited was more than I could ask for to rejuvenate me before school and work really pick up again.

Can we trade the day in for the night?

I never thought I'd find what I was looking for
I never thought I'd find the place where I belong

I always thought I'd found what I was looking for
I always thought I'd I known the place where I belonged

Today was Ursula's, the director of HR at Ricardo, last day. I went down to say goodbye and talk to her. Regardless of everything everyone says about HR and what a pain in the butt it is to follow what HR enforces, I've always really looked up to HR or whomever it is that helps hold a group/company/team together. I think it is a difficult job to put yourself aside to meet the demands of your crew while still knowing when you need to put yourself first at an expense of your group. She said to me, "Tammy I honestly don't know if this is the right decision to make, but if I don't try, I'll be kicking myself in the butt 6 months later thinking about what could have been." Simple as that. I wish I were as simple as that.

Whaaat am I doing, I don't know.

I'd hate to walk away as if this never existed.

This morning I woke up and freaked out about everything that's been going on lately. Since then, I've changed my mind every hour.

I hate when I mess things up I can't handle at someone else's expense. It makes me feel guilty to think I'm not dependable for others, and it makes me feel guilty to think I'm not independent.

Wow, what am I doing?





On a completely separate note, I just crossed Karen's LJ and saw dozens of pictures from her recent CSC Novi hangouts. Also, Erin's LJ mentioned that Cheryl's wedding just passed and everyone from Rebecca's went and had a good time. I'm not even going to pretend I'm not dying of jealousy right now.