A heart breaks in a heartbeat

Sometimes, I don't know how to express in words how I feel. I think clenching my fists and making a sound that comes out like "errrruuuuugggghhh" is an accurate and appropriate representation.

Separately, I am leaving for the airport in 3 hours and I realized, I didn't get to see a lot of people over break that I wanted to. Oops!

I was packing and shuffling through the pockets of one of my luggage bags, and found a long lost letter from an old flame. A beautiful poem he wrote to me about me. What sentiment. Thank God I found it too, because I was coincidentially thinking about it last night and sorting through some things in the closet looking for the letter!

Christmas was great - we went to the Suliots to eat delicious steak, veggie medlies, enormous crab legs the length of my arm, and oocha poocha (I don't know how to pronounce or spell it, but it is a dish from Brian's side of the family that he made for us and this is what everyone called it). Hopped in the hot tub (yes, outside), played Wii Fit with their kids, ate lots of pie... pure bliss.

Spending the holiday at home

I'm trying to put the holiday spirit on hold

...because I'm trying to focus on finishing this semester before I get too carried away with the upcoming holidays, but it's too late! Plus that have already been made:
- Going to the DSO with my mom
- Frankenmuth with the family and B
- Lunch with Lynda, who I haven't seen since this summer
- Dinner at Claude's (Eek!!!!!!)
- Dinner with Chris and Natalie to catch up
- Holiday dinner "with the fam" aka all our friends and their S.O.s
- Holiday party at Tom H's, which will be fun because it's all Ricardo people who don't know I'm B's "plus one" yet
- Ugly sweater party at Nicholas and Lauren's
- Lots of time with my hunny!

I've even got so many surprise gifts planned with different people about each other, it's been a challenge trying to keep them straight!

On a separate note, I don't know if I can last a week with this apartment with these roommates (not Britney though... I'll miss her). I have put up with too many stupid pig sty things... like toilet paper never being replaced and random toilet paper rolls sitting all over the bathroom. The garbage never being taken out, piles of garbage sitting next to the garbage can because no one has taken them out, falling asleep to Ginny singing her heart out at 2am... no more! I can't take it anymore!

Just gotta get through finals and a few more days...

Thanksgiving in Florida!

We all went for a walk on the beach while waiting for the Turkey...
B and his grandma flipping the turkey over:
The fam :)
I thought I was taller than her, so the guys insisted we take a picture and then decide... although I think she stood up a little taller and cheated in this picture!
Turkey! I love fall foods!

The child inside me dares to believe I still can fly

I always despise "that girl" (sometimes my girl friends, sometimes a character in a movie or TV show) that is high maintenance, demanding, must be called at least once a day, needs to hear "I love you", or she gets mad. But I've slowly started to find myself being "that girl" and I hate it! My biggest issue is when I don't hear from him for over 24 hours (I can't believe I'm admitting this).

This make my skin crawl and I don't know why, and then in puts me in a very spiteful mood. He was like "you know I love you so why are you giving me crap when I'm trying to be nice? can we talk about this?" and I'm like "I don't want to talk about this" because I don't want to make nothing into something. Which is ironic because by the time I said it, I already had.

I want to think that it's just because our relationship is so intense and passionate and so happy when we're together, that being apart seems worse than it actually is. Even now, when I'm back in AA, I think to myself I will just go to bed on a Sunday night, wake up, and everything will go back to the way it was and I will go to Ricardo in the morning and we will get together with our friends at work for lunch and we will go home together after work and curl up and eat dinner and watch TV together and go out with friends on a late night and... what I would give just to have that back for a day.

I don't know how to keep myself sane when I'm not with him or busy with other things... I still don't feel like I'm really supposed to be here, and when I don't talk to him for awhile, that's all the connection I have left to "home" and then it's gone. I talk to him way more than my family, I'm not at Ricardo anymore, sometimes I'm not sure what good things I have going for me or what I connect with except with him, and I get angry at him without him knowing it because I feel like he made me feel this lonely, even though it is my fault. I mean, maybe it will change after winter break when I go home and realize I miss GR? I guess this stuff might take some time.

But I'm starting to think after too many life changes have happened and after too much time has passed, I don't have any more excuses why I've not become emotionally stronger/independent, and I'm starting to face the fact that it could just be me. I can't help but think that Grand Rapids was just not far enough away.