Here I am again!

I haven't written in almost two years. Why? I don't know, I think I have battled and endured the most difficult feats in my life (so far) but there is a lot more to come soon. Quite honestly, I have bottled up the details of my life and allowed myself to feel shameful and frustrated for the person I think I have become.

This past year I have made a lot of mistakes and am dealing with my regrets. At the end of the day, I sit by myself confused about why I feel the way I do and I why I feel like I have nobody when really I have so many great people in my life.

I don't write anything because I don't feel I have anything of substance to write about. I don't stand behind my own decisions 100% and I don't allow myself to care enough to.

I don't know what will happen moving forward but one thing I do know - Whatever happens, whatever choices I make, whoever I include in my life, I will move forward with the mentality that I will only make decisions that I am prepared to back up 100% and I will live my life in a way that I can be proud of. No more toxicity in my life! No more regrets! No more half-assing!

Canoing with my hunny

Something to talk about

My mom taught us how to make dumplings...






And here are some pictures from our annual Walk and Wag fundraiser for the Huron Valley Humane Society:







The Ricardo situation is frustrating, I'm not sure if I've been okay talking about it until now. Basically, I'm sure that they rescinded my offer because someone said "we can't make an exception for this intern". So, loyalty down the drain and all the relationships I've built with people who don't work at Ricardo anymore, my attitude now is "you've pissed me off, don't come back to me again and drag me along". Turns out, they let go of their marketing manager and the VP of Bus Dev/Marketing, now they need marketing help, and they're looking to hire me back as a contract employee. Make no mistake, if I do this, it's because I need the money but will not be taken advantage of.

It's a long story but it looks like there is a prospective job for me working for a very wealthy older couple this year - basically, I'll be house sitting, doing housework, doing yardwork, running errands, etc. for them at their summer home in Charlevoix (about 4 hours north) on Lake Michigan. I basically have my own mini apartment on one floor of their house (with kitchen, couple of beds, bathroom, couch, TV, walk out to backyard) and I get to stay there for "free". They are also covering my food and paying me a decent amount of money each week. It is basically like a vacation but I am just doing chores I would normally do at home. And get this, the man who owns the house who I have been corresponding with is Richard Golden, aka from the commercials "Hi, I'm Richard Golden from DOC Eyewear here to tell you about sexy specs". I feel like only Michigan people know who I'm talking about. Well him and his family sold DOC awhile ago and he started a new company called See Eyewear (there is one on State St. in Ann Arbor), which I think has an interesting marketing objective.

T-shirts and more T-shirts

In the process of moving back home and unpacking again, I decided to clean out my closet and my wardrobe. I packed all clothes that don't fit or that I don't wear anymore into a few bags to donate to charity. I can't believe the collections of shirts I found! Kind of nostalgic to find so many shirts related to so many past events in my life, I almost had a hard time putting these shirts in the "getting rid of" pile. I still have the bag of shirts just incase I change my mind and think of something I can do with them to keep them.

Tons of K-state shirts
From when I was dating Kyle in high school and he graduated and went to Kansas State University. He started giving me his old K-State shirts that didn't fit him anymore and then bought me a few for Christmas presents and things like that.

Tons of robotics shirts
The orange and watermelon tie dye shirt that our team won an award for "best team T-shirt" the year before I joined the team, the horrible ugly orange and black camo shirts that we wore one year (I think one of the teachers picked that one), and the plain black and orange shirt with "Tamster" written on the back of it and "548" written on the sleeve. I also have two bright orange robotics shirts from the Team 862 Plymouth-Canton team Bosch started sponsoring right after I graduated.

S.T.E.P.S. girls robotics camp shirt
I went to a girls engineering camp for a week during a summer in high school. There were different "teams" of girls who had different colors and mine was a peach shirt. Some of the groups became kind of "cliquey" so a couple of the girls in my peach group and I started hanging out with the yellow shirt girls. We called ourselves "the peaches" because we thought we were "peach on the outside, yellow on the inside" (the yellow is so we could identify ourselves to the yellow girls group). I also found a tie dye shirt we all got to make with signatures of all the girls from the camp.

Detroit Belle Isle Grand Prix Bosch clean diesel shirt
The first year I went to Detroit Belle Isle Grand Prix (I think two years ago... 2007), I brought Bryan and we went in the Bosch tent to take a picture together. They were handing out these shirts but they were XXL which was apparently the only size they had left! I wouldn't mind wearing an XXL as a PJ shirt but it is extremely wide.

Dummies shirt
Back when I was in robotics, Josh somehow got Dummies to sponsor our team (they make the yellow and black books that are "_____ for Dummies"). The sponsored our team by giving us a whole library of "_____ for Dummies" books, giving us keychains as giveaways at competitions, and giving us Dummies shirts. Again, it's just too big of a shirt.

UofM-Dearborn shirt
I got this shirt in a box in the mail that said "Congratulations! you've been accepted to the University of Michinga - Dearborn!" of course they wanted to send a "one size fits all" so they sent an XXL.

Youth group shirts
Found a short sleeve yellow CSM (Center for Student Missions) shirt and a long sleeve black CSM shirt from the Tennessee missions trip I went on when I was... 14 I think? A shirt that Anna made for VBS in 2002 that is red with a lady bug on it and says "Buggin" which was our slogan for the "Bugs Life" theme we had that year. I found a team shirt from the 2002 flag football competition. Our team was "Touchdown Jesus" and it's black with bright green lettering and says "Touchdown Jesus Toilet Bowl XXL 2002". A shirt from ATF that is black and says "dead man walking" on the front and "dead to sin, alive to Jesus" on the back. And a soft, yellow shirt that Anna decorated for the Babe Seminar crew.

Hershey's chocolate shirt
I vaguely remember this shirt being a gift... I think Dusan bought me this shirt from visiting the Hershey's factory that has a picture of a Hershey's bar and the caption "you never forget your first love". The shirt is, again, in XXL.

A tie-dye purple shirt
My mom bought this for me when her, Tim, and I visited San Diego a loooong time ago. We were on a boardwalk and there was a little tent selling tie-dye stuff, so I insisted on this purple shirt and a multi-colored tie-dye scrunchy.

Red hang ten shirt
My Aunt Joyce bought this for me in Taiwan awhile back. There was a sale rack and it was like buy one get one free, I think, so I got this one and a yellow one. I don't know where the yellow one is though.

Anything other than what I've been trying to be

If you're going to call someone else out on his/her problems, you better be just as willing to admit your own!

AGHHH back to square one

Apparently I lost a job today that I had not yet started working at. You'd think they would've thought of that before hiring me? Or did someone miss the memo on that? I should tag this one "stupidheads".

Today is the day

Today is the first day I have considered that reasons I do not want to be in this relationship outweigh the reasons I want to be in this relationship.

Things I want to do this summer

Cooking classes at Big George's with B
Play tennis with B at his new apartment
Take a SAP certification program
Test out of WRT305
Go to the Walk and Wag Human Society fundraiser
Visit Catherine and her new baby
Finally get to go to weekly dollar burger nights instead of just hearing about them
Go to DEMF
Eat at American Harvest
Go to another drive-in movie with B
Go ice skating with Nil
Spend more time with my brother
Have a night out at the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase
Take a mini trip with B up north or to Chicago
Take a dance class with B or with Nil
Go to Afternoon Delight for brunch with B
Make it out to Port Huron to go on the Suliot's boat

Taking a step back for a minute

These last few weeks were a little bit rough - I had a term project due today that I've been working on for weeks. I feel pretty good about it. I thought I was a little bit behind since I didn't actually start working on it until about three weeks ago, but then last night, a bunch of students from class emailed out to the rest of the class asking for peer critiques (we were required to get quite a few of them between drafts) so I think I did alright :)

This morning I ran out of the apartment and was watching the bus drive up to the bus stop when I realized I had COMPLETELY forgot my paper and portfolio at home. I can't believe I left without it! That made me a little bit late but the professor started class a little bit late so I was right on time.

After I got that out of the way, I just relaxed for the rest of the day. Feels good.

Half-heartedly

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.

I'll be home again before you know it

So a lot has been happening. A lot.

Ricky.
Despite how angry I was when I left and vowed not to go back, I went in to Ricardo over spring break to sit down and have sort of an interview with the new Bus Dev VP, although it ended up being less of an interview and more of (what seemed like) him trying to convince me that Ricardo has not been following the same trend as the economy in Michigan. The only question he actually asked me was about what I want to do when/if I go back. I guess he's just waiting for the financial side of it to be approved before he can give me an answer. So we'll see. A job is a job.

Marketing
Well I've been thinking a lot about switching my degree from Marketing to Accounting. A few thoughts I have with this:
1. I probably won't actually do it, because despite my interest in Accounting, I actually haven't done that well in it, and I think it would take me so much longer to graduate just because it would be difficult for me. At this point, I just want to graduate as quickly as possible and be done with it.
2. It hit me that I have only had experience in certain aspects of Marketing that aren't necessarily considered Marketing, such as heavy experience in PR and graphic design. Do I actually know I would like it? Not really. I haven't actually taken any "MKT" classes yet, in fact I've taken two Accounting classes and a few other business classes I enjoyed (law and MIS).
3. If I end up having to take a job more relate towards advertising, I really think I would run into a moral dilemma in selling something or selling something someway I don't agree with. We were talking about the "sexism/sex sells" part of advertising in one of my classes, and I think I have a real issue with having anything to do with that. In comparison, a big part of Accounting is in ethics that I find very interesting.

Dreams and Nightmares
I have been consistently having dreams and nightmares bringing back people and other things I haven't thought about in so long. I lay awake restless until at least 3 in the morning thinking about all these things and trying to fall asleep thinking about good things. Regardless, all of this has been occupying my mind 24/7, and I feel like I need to do something to reconcile or settle these things. I just don't know what.

People I've Lost
A part of the dreams and nightmares I've been having are related to people I've lost contact with. Coincidentially, I spotted one of them at one of the most random places recently, I was emailed by one, and contacted by another. Lots of mixed emotions. I'm one to cause more drama than needed because I always feel the need to say what I'm thinking/feeling, but I'm trying to restrain myself from making a fool out of myself talking to someone who might not even care.

My brain plays tricks on me while I sleep

I had a dream a few nights ago where I was in an apartment (I think it was my apartment but it was a made up place in my head) and I was slowly making piles of stuff. Most of it was B's work clothes for some reason, and the rest of it were random kitchen gadgets that I was putting in boxes. I kept looking at the clock and freaking out that there was something I was missing, and then I saw the time was 8:10pm. For some reason, I thought to myself that it secretly meant that in 8 hours and 10 minutes, an earthquake would come and split the building right down the middle.

My mom arrived and I told her I was packing and needed help loading everything into the car, and I explained to her we had to get moving really fast. I looked at the clock again and it was 8:30pm, and then I realized that the earthquake was going to happen at 9:00pm so I flipped out and told her we had 30 minutes to load everything up. Instead of neatly packing things, her and I just started picking up piles of stuff and running it down 3 flights of stairs to the car. I was panicking because we were running out of time, and I saw that it was now 8:50pm. I told her we had to get in the car and drive away so we wouldn't get hurt. I grabbed my yellow blankie and ran down the flight of stairs, jumped in the car, and we drove off as a huge force split the earth apart splitting the apartment building right down the middle.

And that's when I woke up.

Moved B in to his new apartment

He bought me flowers :)

It must be hard to be with me sometimes

Because I over think things repeatedly and I'm consistently inconsistent.

Just a correlation? Or a cause-and-effect situation?

I've come to conclude that even though I'm bored with my life but generally happy and keeping to myself, this is better for my grades and for trying to do well in school. In my life, when I have been outrageous, super involved with something that gives me great personal satisfaction, super social, and not always happy because I'm always in a lot of drama, I do really poorly in school. Just a few more years and I can go back to being that part of me.

We went to see Tyrone Wells

We had a great time at the concert but some random things happened. This old guy (probably late 40's) was hitting on these two women next to us. The women were probably in their late 30's or early 40's but they were both attractive and they were being polite to him when he came over. But then he got really weird and bought them a pitcher of beer (which they didn't drink) and he started sort of harassing them and trying to put his arm around one of them and one of the women was drawing attention to them because she was like "seriously, cut it out" kinda loud. So B and I were looking around us and everyone was kinda worried about it, so he inched us over to stand next to the women so that the guy was blocked and couldn't talk to them anymore. After the guy finally left, some other people were complimenting him because they were kind of worried too. It was kind of distracting but the concert was still good.

Lots and lots of kids

I've lately started watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 all the time on TV, so I was looking at the history of Jon and Kate online on the TLC website. Incase you haven't seen the show before, it is about two parents named Jon and Kate who have a set of twin girls who are 8 years old and sextuplets who are 3 1/2 years old (3 boys and 3 girls) who are absolutely adorable (and half Asian I think)! It's actually kind of sad their background story though - I guess Jon and Kate ended up both losing their jobs during Kate's pregnancy and still having to take care of the twins. So the show is sort of a way to make money.

Anyway, I find it really interesting to see how the parents keep everything under control while still getting to know each of their kids really well individually and having a bond with each of them individually.

Hahaha hehehe hardy har har

One thing I absolutely do love about B is his ability to see and point out the humor in situations. Keeps me giggling all the time :)

What about now? What about today?

I always say that relationships are not only about building each other up, but also being able to see things clearly for the other person when he/she cannot. And for the opposing person, having someone to trust when you can't see things clearly yourself.

But for once, I am tired of being pointed out all of the bad things about myself that someone else thinks. I'm trying to decide if that is worth the chance of having a relationship where we can build each other up.

My neighbor has this weird habit

He consistently turns his music on super loud at 11pm most weeknights. But this doesn't worry me because he usually turns it off at about 12am every time. Is it weird that I've caught on to this? I think sometime when I finally bump into him leaving the house and finally meet him or get to know him, I'll crack a joke about this, hahaha