Just a correlation? Or a cause-and-effect situation?

I've come to conclude that even though I'm bored with my life but generally happy and keeping to myself, this is better for my grades and for trying to do well in school. In my life, when I have been outrageous, super involved with something that gives me great personal satisfaction, super social, and not always happy because I'm always in a lot of drama, I do really poorly in school. Just a few more years and I can go back to being that part of me.

The child inside me dares to believe I still can fly

I always despise "that girl" (sometimes my girl friends, sometimes a character in a movie or TV show) that is high maintenance, demanding, must be called at least once a day, needs to hear "I love you", or she gets mad. But I've slowly started to find myself being "that girl" and I hate it! My biggest issue is when I don't hear from him for over 24 hours (I can't believe I'm admitting this).

This make my skin crawl and I don't know why, and then in puts me in a very spiteful mood. He was like "you know I love you so why are you giving me crap when I'm trying to be nice? can we talk about this?" and I'm like "I don't want to talk about this" because I don't want to make nothing into something. Which is ironic because by the time I said it, I already had.

I want to think that it's just because our relationship is so intense and passionate and so happy when we're together, that being apart seems worse than it actually is. Even now, when I'm back in AA, I think to myself I will just go to bed on a Sunday night, wake up, and everything will go back to the way it was and I will go to Ricardo in the morning and we will get together with our friends at work for lunch and we will go home together after work and curl up and eat dinner and watch TV together and go out with friends on a late night and... what I would give just to have that back for a day.

I don't know how to keep myself sane when I'm not with him or busy with other things... I still don't feel like I'm really supposed to be here, and when I don't talk to him for awhile, that's all the connection I have left to "home" and then it's gone. I talk to him way more than my family, I'm not at Ricardo anymore, sometimes I'm not sure what good things I have going for me or what I connect with except with him, and I get angry at him without him knowing it because I feel like he made me feel this lonely, even though it is my fault. I mean, maybe it will change after winter break when I go home and realize I miss GR? I guess this stuff might take some time.

But I'm starting to think after too many life changes have happened and after too much time has passed, I don't have any more excuses why I've not become emotionally stronger/independent, and I'm starting to face the fact that it could just be me. I can't help but think that Grand Rapids was just not far enough away.

My first time ever voting

Today was my first time voting, and I went out of my way to make sure I got to vote!

As any other Tuesday or Thursday morning, I had to take a 45 minute buss to a class in Grand Rapids at 8:30am this morning. I had an exam at 11:30am, which I did a little extra studying for in between classes, and then at 12:45pm, I immediately hopped on a bus back to Allendale, and then another bus to go to the voting location. Waited in line almost an hour to vote, and took one bus back to Allendale again and another bus to Grand Rapids to be a few minutes late to my 4:00pm class.

I was flipping out because I was supposed to meet a group at 3:00pm for our group presentation at 4:00pm, and I not only had I missed that, but I didn't even know if I'd make it back to class on time. It got to a point where I was in line to vote and realized I could either vote and be late for a class our group was supposed to present in, or I could get out of line to make it back to class early enough to review with my group and ease into the actual class presentation.

I knew that if I wanted to get back just on time, I'd have to leave early. But I thought to myself "to hell with it" this is my first time having the opportunity to vote, I'll be late if I need to, even if my group is presenting to the class! I called my group members when I was on the bus, rehearsed while I was on the bus, and ran to class just a minute before we started. I didn't feel too bad that I had dumped a little bit on my group because I'd pulled my weight in the project earlier on, so it balanced out.

I was actually kind of nervous about voting, especially since I know I'm not super educated about all of the issues... I mean I tried to be but there are only so many things that actually apply to me that I understand). I knew my family was voting differently, and I'm told I'm so indecisive (that's the nice version that's been said to me) that I can't seem to make decisions on my own a lot. I know I contemplate a lot and ask for a lot of opinions, but yes, it's because I'm not confident in a lot of the decisions I make. But it's clear when I am confident in the decisions I make, and when I am, I'm extremely confident and demand to have it my way.

Also, something happened that evening that really took an unexpected, strange toll on my thoughts. I was having dinner with a friend who has strongly opposing views compared to mine. I'm usually quite passive when it comes to conversations about politics and religion because I think it is pointless getting into arguments (especially when a lot of people my age don't seem know what they're talking about), and I think it is more important to know what yourself thinks instead of convincing other people. Discussion is good, but I don't need to battle. Anyway the point is, for once, it really didn't sit right with me what this person was saying or how she was saying it. More so because we'd had a clean, healthy discussion about it before about how we completely disagreed, and here she was making a disrespectful, immature joke about it to my face and completely disregarding me. It'd happened before but I'd just shrugged it off, but maybe I was in my "election issues mode" so it bothered me. What am I trying to say here? I guess I was surprised at this because I don't usually feel too bothered by friends disagreeing on important issues, and I'm starting to see myself feel that way more often. Or maybe it's because we're newer friends and I didn't think she'd say something like that? I don't know, I'm just ranting now.

It makes me proud, for once, to be an American! I feel like I'm always struggling with this feeling that I'm not Asian enough to be Asian, not white (American) enough to be white, not girly enough to be a girly girl, not tomboy-ish enough to be a tomboy. I am somewhere in between everything and I have a hard time trying to figure out what to identify with. But this is one step towards something, and I'm still growing up in baby steps!

Get down to the heart of it

I find myself categorizing most of the people in my life in two categories:

1. My team a.k.a. "who do I keep in touch with to have in my life for the rest of my life?"

I think it started while being on the robotics team in high school. I remember talking to various mentors and student captains about how valuable different students were to the team, and I think I have sort of thought of people like that since then. For example, there was one student who was (and still is) a very good friend of mine. He was a very interesting person in that he did poorly in school but had the most common sense out of all of us. Not to mention he was an absolute work horse, who did not always see the big picture, but would quietly decide whether or not he agreed with the direction of the team, and he would work is butt of to make it happen. He did not always see things from a leadership standpoint but he was a great follower and was very dependable. So this makes me think, "what qualities do people in my life have that I'd want on my time or my side?" Everyone in my life contributes to different parts of my life in different ways, and which people are worth the effort to keep in touch with and have in my life for the rest of my life? I certainly haven't done a great job at keeping in touch with people from the past, but with email, facebook, phone calls, text messages, and old fashion snail mail (my favorite), I've certainly been making a bigger effort lately to try!

2. My wedding a.k.a. "If I had to get married today, who would be there?"

I don't know when this happened, I think it is because I'm starting to enter that part of life where all my girl friends are talking/dreaming about getting married or they actually are engaged. And I won't lie, being in a relationship makes me think about these long term things too. After all, why date someone at this point in life if you don't see it going anywhere? Especially when my relationship with B has sort of become long distance. We've talked about how temporary we want this to be. I mean I could graduate and find a job elsewhere, and we talk about whether we currently would want to continue pursuing a relationship beyond this stage we're in right now.

Eeek I'm so off topic! But back to the actual topic, I tend to think of my closest friends as the people who will be in my wedding party, especially my best girl friends. If I had to narrow it down to a certain number of bridesmaids, which girls would I have to eliminate and which girls would I choose? And which of that group of girls would be my MOH? And what about the people I want to invite to my wedding? I always wonder, if you have really close friends you don't keep in great touch with (especially family friends you grew up with), do you invite them? I mean, I've been invited to weddings in the past of family friends I haven't seen in years! Of course I would invite all my relatives, but how many of them would actually fly out from Taiwan to see me get married? Most importantly, I wonder what father figure would walk me down the isle. But I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this one :)

Transitions, transfer student, transformations

"The first few weeks of school have been a little more difficult than I thought they would be," is what I've been telling everyone who asks how this transition is going for me. But the truth is that this past month has been extremely difficult... harder than my most dramatic days at Ricardo (I know it's hard to believe!) I'm pretty sure I called Bryan crying at the end of every day for at least two weeks straight, and I've can't remember ever feeling so all-around defeated in a long time! A few positive changes happened this past weekend that have lightened up my schedule and a few worries I have going on, so I think this week has been pretty good so far.

On a positive note, I started thinking these last couple days about how this transition has affected my relationship with Bryan. Taking into account the weird/freaked-out phase we went through right before England, the time that I was in England, the few days I was back, and then being away this past month, it's not only brought a load of new challenges to my life but to our relationship too. But I am incredibly amazed at how much I think our relationship has also transformed throughout these experiences so far, he's been the most incredibly supportive boyfriend I could ever image, and I am in love with him more than I can ever explain! I am the luckiest girl on earth!

I can't even explain what I've been through

Tonight is the first night I've turned my phone off in a long time. Not because it keeps ringing, but because I'm afraid it won't for the rest of the night.

Nobody trips over mountains

It's the small pebbles that cause you to stumble.

Well, I'm one week into this new chapter of my life, new place to live, new school, new city, finding new friends, new job. It is so overwhelming and I am having a really hard time adjusting, especially without my sweetie to come home and cry to after a rough day.

But I have thought about this decision over and over again for the last half year and I know it is the right thing to do in the long run. Cut myself off from a job that consumes me and holds me back because I don't have a degree, change schools to be away from the distractions and to put myself in an environment that I will enjoy, force myself to meet new friends and have a support system...

It's so hard to see this is a step forward through the day to day difficulties.

More to come, I have a lot of new challenges but I have to focus on school. After all, this is my second chance to get it right and start with a clean slate.

Uncontrollable tear ducts in my eyes

Now I don't know if I've just gotten soft and emotional (I mean more than I usually am), but in the most recent times, I've come to find that I've lost all control of my tear ducts. I cry at times that I shouldn't in front of people that I shouldn't, and I end up humiliating myself.

Even the simplest things like emotional commercials or people getting voted off reality shows makes me tear up now. Aghhh when did I become such a baby???

Oh and speaking of eyes, I finally ordered these. Like 'em?

Where can you run to escape from yourself?

Everything at work is moving 100 mph - so many exciting but challenging things happening for me:
- The upcoming annual CTI exhibition is something I've been working on quite a bit with DTS and Quell. It's been a bit difficult trying to find my place with Quell, but I'm in the process of sorting these things out with Dean before the new BusDev VP starts in June.
- Got some exciting projects going on I've taken on in initiating and improving on new tools and resources to educate employees on processes.
- Continuing to prepare for ongoing and upcoming transitions in preparation for whatever may happen when I leave and pass my responsibilities on

On a personal note:
- Working out some new things going on with my significant other
- Spending a bit more time on self improvement by cooking and cleaning more, exercising more now that the weather has been nicer, etc. etc.
- Working on some smaller projects while it is quite and peaceful around home life

I can't believe how much has happened in the last year or so. It's said that the most physical change a human will ever undergo happens in the first year of infancy, but I think this past year has been the most change in life's events more than I have ever experienced in that time frame.

Practicing forgiveness in business

I read about an interview recently with Carolyn Kepcher from The Apprentice (she was Donald Trump's right hand woman). The interview was conducted not too long after Trump fired her from the Trump Organization.

In one of the questions, she was asked if she had an hard feelings about it, and she had a very respectful answer. She didn't comment too much but said enough to let the smart readers know what she was thinking. The last quote she made on the page was "I try to practice forgiveness in business".

Interesting thought, one I need to consider more often. I take my work and my job very seriously because both are an extremely important part of my life, but I guess that is why I am so taken back and affected by any people-type issues I have to deal with in the workplace.

Pick your ass up missy...

... I would say to myself if I went to myself for advice.

I can't escape myself

I've been dealing with a few things lately that are new to me:

- Feeling like the overprotective, jealous, controlling girlfriend (and feeling guilty for it)
- Feeling inefficient and walked all over at work (and feeling like I don't know what to do about it)
- Feeling pathetically lonely at home with only my doggy to talk to

About a week ago, I woke up from sleeping next to B feeling completely panicked about something from awhile ago. I got up to get some water and fell back asleep thinking of every possible way I could fix the problem... a year after it has happened. It's weird what happens to one's brain during sleep.

Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat

There are days when I leave work feeling like I just spent my whole day getting pooped on (and getting paid for it). It's hard for me to remember the big picture when all I can see are the insecurities that keep me from accomplishing what I hope I'm capable of.

PS - I lied. I guess the internship is not set in stone. It turns out, HR will not make as many exceptions for me as Raul assumed they could, and I don't meet a lot of the qualifications the internship "package" requires. Stay tuned, it's not over yet.

All because of you, I haven't slept in so long

When I get in deep arguments, I usually feel:
Angry at myself for letting someone else make me feel so frustrated
Upset that I sometimes feel I'm left with nothing/noone
Jealous of the people who always have someone... always
Sleepless/restless because I don't want to try to sleep with these thoughts consuming my mind
Pathetic for the previous lines above

Ready to abandon anything and everything in order to not have to sort any of this out at that moment. If all the internship paperwork works out, I'll get my chance to do it this summer.

You get older and blame turns to shame

I feel like lately, I've found myself apologizing more and more because I'm not confident that I'm right. It's really stupid. Sometimes, I just don't know how to react to someone else's reaction.

On a nicer note, last Friday, I got to take an Adobe InDesign CS3 class which I absolutely loved! I've been using the program for almost a year now (self taught with books, tutorials, and random advice from the UK guys). It was really funny to find out there are some things I'm doing absolutely wrong (or the worst way possible) and super cool to see all the new features CS3 has. Almost all of the most annoying/difficult things about CS2 (in my opinion) have been fixed with CS3, and I'm waiting on Dean's approval to purchase/upgrade the Creative Suite, which will also upgrade my Acrobat, Photoshop, and Bridge and will give me Illustrator as well as Macromedia products (I didn't know that Acrobat merged with Macromedia) such as Flash and Dreamweaver! I am too excited about this to deny that I'm completely geeked!

I also had lunch with Claude for a few minutes during my break on Friday. It was so nice to see him again (he said "so are you ready to come work for me yet?" when I saw him). Always makes me laugh, and in a weird way, makes me feel grown up when I tell him about my decisions and recent happenings.

Spent some time with BGS, Dave, and Eden over the weekend. Had a blast eating/drinking/dancing with them all over the place.

Lots of exciting and big changes happening! More to come...

Because it's bottled up inside

I've started several entries throughout the holiday season, but mostly to rant about some of the life changing events that have been taking place. I keep having to retract my train of thought to make sure I'm not constantly ranting like a mad woman - a bad habit I've recently had pointed out to me repeatedly.

Anyway, lots of exciting things are happening:
Went to the Motorcycle show at the Rock Financial Showplace
Went to Windsor with Stephanie and had a blast
BGS and my new hobby of his saltwater biocube aquarium :)
Detroit Ignition soccer game tonight
North American International Auto Show coming up
Monster Jam also coming up
Tickets to a Detroit vs. Miami game that BGS got me for Christmas

I lent my camera to my mom so I didn't have one in my entire trip to MA and NY, so I'll have to post some cool Christmas and New Years pictures later after I get them from everybody.

The judgment that something is more important

"Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all."

Three things that sum up my capacity:

1. I don't want to find myself in the same position (in this relationship) I just got out of from this previous relationship, and I'm afraid I am.

2. I'm doing terribly in school I've found myself beginning to lie about it to people so I don't have to hear myself say it out loud, meanwhile, (I don't know how) but I'm doing extrordinarily well at work.

3. I think I have grown an uncontrolable temper that unleashed through my parent's divorce and has continually caused me to hurt people I love the most.

Can't seem to hold it together sometimes

I need to be in the presence of someone other than my own crying shame.

Yet I think sometimes I push away the ones I love who love me because I'm afraid of giving anyone a chance to make me feel worse than I make myself feel.

Where does that leave me?

Drama drama drama

This past week has been the height of the latest dramas going on in my life. I feel like my latest frustration is not being able to hold each part of my life together.

And yet, in the midst of all the emotional turmoil, I have found a new stability in feeling incredibly/unusually happy with new friends and relationships. And strangely, I am incredibly/unusually excited to keep riding this roller coaster to find out what the conclusions are to these episodes and to find out what life dares to challenge me with next. We'll find out.

A few major things I'm looking forward to in these upcoming months: my birthday (which I told friends to keep low key... no surprises this year - I don't even want to think about it being my birthday... just a nice dinner and a few good hugs), a prospective but seemingly promising business trip to San Antonio, planned trips to visit friends, meeting my new boy's family, possibly Christmas with him and his family, and "Los Travelmates" (as DB named the group) who are planning a trip for New Year's!

Nothing's every promised tomorrow today
But we'll find a way

I've changed my mind on a few things

1. iPods, specifically the iPod Nano.

I went to the Apple store with BGS recently after stuffing ourselves with sushi at lunch and walking around the mall a little bit. We were playing around with iPod Nanos, and I guess I'm starting to see what they hype is about iPods. I mean, no offense, but it's just another fancy tool that I think I'm familiar with enough to still say with validity that it's never really impressed me. On a separate level, I've never been a fan of people who close themselves off from the world by always having their headphones on everywhere we go. How do you approach someone with headphones? I heard a friend of a friend ranting at a Pistons party awhile back about how he sort of met this cool girl at the gym but avoided talking to her as much as he wanted because she always seemed focused listening to her music and didn't want to ask her to remove her headphones just so he could say hi.

2. Raw red onions in sandwiches.

Asians don't eat uncooked vegetables. Maybe with new-age/Westernized foods they'll try to, but for the most part, I haven't been a fan of raw veggies until I recently discovered raw carrots, raw broccoli, and raw cauliflower dunked in Marzetti's ranch veggie dip. Anyway, I was feeling adventurous last week at Subway and decided to order a sandwich with raw red onions on it (which I've always thought the taste was terrible). Turns out, I really like it now except for the fact that no matter what you eat, your breath will smell like onions for the rest of the day. I guess it's a risk I'm willing to take now that I really enjoy having onions in my burgers, sandwiches, and salads.

3. How a relationship is defined.

This isn't something I've turned 180 about, but... since I'm seeing someone new, this is a revisited, much redefined, and re-evaluated idea for me. All I can say is, I can't believe I was okay with not feeling like this before in past relationships!