I'll be home again before you know it

So a lot has been happening. A lot.

Ricky.
Despite how angry I was when I left and vowed not to go back, I went in to Ricardo over spring break to sit down and have sort of an interview with the new Bus Dev VP, although it ended up being less of an interview and more of (what seemed like) him trying to convince me that Ricardo has not been following the same trend as the economy in Michigan. The only question he actually asked me was about what I want to do when/if I go back. I guess he's just waiting for the financial side of it to be approved before he can give me an answer. So we'll see. A job is a job.

Marketing
Well I've been thinking a lot about switching my degree from Marketing to Accounting. A few thoughts I have with this:
1. I probably won't actually do it, because despite my interest in Accounting, I actually haven't done that well in it, and I think it would take me so much longer to graduate just because it would be difficult for me. At this point, I just want to graduate as quickly as possible and be done with it.
2. It hit me that I have only had experience in certain aspects of Marketing that aren't necessarily considered Marketing, such as heavy experience in PR and graphic design. Do I actually know I would like it? Not really. I haven't actually taken any "MKT" classes yet, in fact I've taken two Accounting classes and a few other business classes I enjoyed (law and MIS).
3. If I end up having to take a job more relate towards advertising, I really think I would run into a moral dilemma in selling something or selling something someway I don't agree with. We were talking about the "sexism/sex sells" part of advertising in one of my classes, and I think I have a real issue with having anything to do with that. In comparison, a big part of Accounting is in ethics that I find very interesting.

Dreams and Nightmares
I have been consistently having dreams and nightmares bringing back people and other things I haven't thought about in so long. I lay awake restless until at least 3 in the morning thinking about all these things and trying to fall asleep thinking about good things. Regardless, all of this has been occupying my mind 24/7, and I feel like I need to do something to reconcile or settle these things. I just don't know what.

People I've Lost
A part of the dreams and nightmares I've been having are related to people I've lost contact with. Coincidentially, I spotted one of them at one of the most random places recently, I was emailed by one, and contacted by another. Lots of mixed emotions. I'm one to cause more drama than needed because I always feel the need to say what I'm thinking/feeling, but I'm trying to restrain myself from making a fool out of myself talking to someone who might not even care.

My brain plays tricks on me while I sleep

I had a dream a few nights ago where I was in an apartment (I think it was my apartment but it was a made up place in my head) and I was slowly making piles of stuff. Most of it was B's work clothes for some reason, and the rest of it were random kitchen gadgets that I was putting in boxes. I kept looking at the clock and freaking out that there was something I was missing, and then I saw the time was 8:10pm. For some reason, I thought to myself that it secretly meant that in 8 hours and 10 minutes, an earthquake would come and split the building right down the middle.

My mom arrived and I told her I was packing and needed help loading everything into the car, and I explained to her we had to get moving really fast. I looked at the clock again and it was 8:30pm, and then I realized that the earthquake was going to happen at 9:00pm so I flipped out and told her we had 30 minutes to load everything up. Instead of neatly packing things, her and I just started picking up piles of stuff and running it down 3 flights of stairs to the car. I was panicking because we were running out of time, and I saw that it was now 8:50pm. I told her we had to get in the car and drive away so we wouldn't get hurt. I grabbed my yellow blankie and ran down the flight of stairs, jumped in the car, and we drove off as a huge force split the earth apart splitting the apartment building right down the middle.

And that's when I woke up.

What does all this stuff mean anyway?

I've had several dreams these last few nights in which all of them are about trying to talk to B and him refusing to talk to me. In one of the dreams, he even said something like "I'm not going to do this with you right now," when I asked him why he wouldn't talk to me.

I had a dream I was studying in a library but was too distracted to study, so I kept getting up to go to the bathroom, get food, and look for more books. I noticed an old flame of mine sprawled out on the ground in front of the door reading a book and chatting with a gorgeous blonde girl, and I didn't know how to leave the library without bumping into him and making it seem like I meant to walk over there.

I had the weirdest dream that I was walking around an old church I went to when I was little and I kept walking from room to room looking for someone while I was chewing bubble gum. I walked up to an old family friend, and for some reason, I was afraid she would know I was chewing gum so I slowly chewed off small pieces in my mouth and swallowed each little piece until it was all gone. I sort of half woke up realize that I was making a chewing motion while I was sleeping, and then I fell back asleep.

Strange dreams and nightmares

I have been having the weirdest nightmares recently.

In one, I was stranded on a mountain, that had hidden doors to elevators that would take you down, and the only way to find a door once you are up in the mountain would be to kill off everyone else that was on it. I didn't want to do that so I just walked around aimlessly, thinking for some reason that I'd find B if I kept looking. But then everyone on the mountain got barbaric and started killing each other. In what I thought was defense, I broke the end of a glass bottle to keep incase I needed a weapon, and then I started pushing other people off too, for fear of being killed. When I finally pushed off everyone I could see in my sight, I quickly ran around the mountain and found a door. When I opened the door, it was a large room with an orchestra in it practicing for a show. That's when I woke up.

In another dream, I was at the house of one of B's mom's neighbors (I've seen then each time I've gone home with B). They are all artistic - one is famous for fantasy art, another teaches art, and the last person is an artist and carpenter. B and I were at their house for a dinner party, but for some reason, everyone there was people from Ricardo. The one who is famous for fantasy art wouldn't talk to anyone because he was busy painting. The other two were in a different room but talking to us in that room over an intercom. I felt really uncomfortable because I felt like they were just observing us from another room and telling us what to do over the intercom. I was helping put out appetizers and trying to find fresh logs of cheese, and that's when I woke up.

Bringing back more than a memory

I saw you in my dreams last night. I saw you in my dreams when I was eating my lunch, and I purposely ignored you at first because I didn't think it was you. You were there, standing behind me calling my name while I was walking away from you and trying to ignore you to show you I was hurt and angry. But then I turned around to see if it was really you, and I could almost reach out and touch you. You asked where I was going and why I was leaving, and I'm not sure how I even answered your question. But we talked and my stomach twisted into a knot at the thought that you were there with me. I can't even accurately remember how long it's been since we've talked, and I had mixed emotions seeing you again.

My alarm clock rang, I automatically hit "snooze" and dozed back off to try to find you again, but it was too late. I knew now I was only dreaming, but I replayed this scene in my head, as if it were a memory I was replaying. I tried to remember how your voice sounded in my dream, because I haven't heard it in so long. And then I cursed my alarm clock because I hadn't finished talking to you.

Are dreams really answers to questions we haven't yet figured out how to ask? If so, then my brain has surely accomplished this. Even if it was only a dream, I wanted to ask you why we weren't friends anymore and why you stopped talking to me. I tried to fall back asleep and convince myself I could place myself back in the dream again. I wanted answers, even if only in a dream, to find out why things turned out the way they did between us.

I finally woke up and moved on with my day, but all day I've been thinking about the conversations we had. I've been replaying in my mind certain things you said to me, wondering how someone could feel so compelled to say such strong statements but then drop our friendship like a bad habit. I wonder where you are now and how you're doing. I hope you're doing well and know that I dream of you sometimes.

I can't escape myself

I've been dealing with a few things lately that are new to me:

- Feeling like the overprotective, jealous, controlling girlfriend (and feeling guilty for it)
- Feeling inefficient and walked all over at work (and feeling like I don't know what to do about it)
- Feeling pathetically lonely at home with only my doggy to talk to

About a week ago, I woke up from sleeping next to B feeling completely panicked about something from awhile ago. I got up to get some water and fell back asleep thinking of every possible way I could fix the problem... a year after it has happened. It's weird what happens to one's brain during sleep.

Since you love me

I never thought I would be
So moved by the dreams I've had of you
Every time I close my eyes
It's so hard to fall asleep

I actually like Chris Daughtry's "So I Lie Awake" better than his "It's Not Over".

I am so frustrated, its gotten to the point where I am wondering how any of this is going to be worth it in the end and how much of this is really going to make a difference.

Panic is the new nighttime

School has started out great. I had a lot of trouble locking my schedule and classes in place, but I have some really great classes and really great professors this semester. My Econ professor seems to be a very cultured and aware person who has a very clear and concise teaching style, yy Comp professor is maybe as old as my grandma but has a very child-like spirit and a sense of humor, and my Political Science professor seems like a very involved person who thinks logically (so hopefully, teaches logically too). Like I mentioned before, I met some really cool people in my PoliSci class (one who turned out to be the little brother of an old friend's best friend!) and we now go on these weekly TGIFriday's outings after class every Thursday.

But despite how truly excited I am about my new classes and professors (except math, of course) and new buddies I've met, I have been sleeping terribly and having a hard time with myself.

I lay my head down on my pillows and then begin to panic while I try to fall asleep. A few nights ago, I was so overwhelmed with something on my mind that my body began to tense up and I started having uncontrollable muscle spasms in my legs. I felt like my arms were going numb, I started sweating, and my heart was racing. So finally I forced myself up to play with the puppy who was sitting in his little cagey next to me and watching me) until he dozed off, then I got some random paper on my dresser and started writing out my thoughts until I was too tired to write anymore.

I think I need a... what's the word? Something... some way of forcing myself to release all of this inside of me so that it doesn't eat me up when the only time I have to think about it is when I go to sleep. If I had the time and money, I would like to go back to train with Jay at his new school. But the program is not stable and I could see him easily moving the school in a few months (thinking that he has a better plan to make more money and get more students).

Cuz I'm not built that way

("Duck and Run" - Three Doors Down)

I laid down at 11:30 after coffee with Winky, buying spray roses (which are adorable), some hard lemonade with leftover stuffed cabbage from the party, and D coming over and fixed some stuff at my house. It's now freakin' 1:30am and my mind is racing, and I'm panicking.

Part of me just wants to close my eyes (figuratively) and machine through these fears without thinking about how numbing it will become, part of me is freaking out. I've come to the realization that: I've changed my mind about everything I've thought about everytime I've thought about it in the last few weeks, which pretty much means I need some time to re-think things for myself. Yeah that sentence made more sense in my head.

Last night I had this ridiculous dream about a war that involved everyone in my life. Completely randomly, I was fighting with and against people from every part of my life as I ran for my life, dodged bullets, hid, and ultimately, woke up when a huge explosion almost killed me. I woke up numb, heart racing, sweating, kicking my blankets off, and clutching my pillow like my life depended on it. Wow, what is going on with me?

How in the heck am I going to juggle school with Ricardo?

Oh chariot

("Chariot" - Gavin Degraw, Stripped)

Didn't do much this weekend. Mostly lounged with the pup and today I've got to do some laundry or I'll run out of clean underwear.

I had the weirdest dream yesterday. As always, it was a series of events I fear that will happen in real life.

I dunno why I started this entry, I can't think of much to write. Maybe I'll write later.

Strange tidbits of recent dreams

I was sitting at a bar in a hotel with my brother, and a waitress passes and hands me a pad of sushi order forms and a mini pencil. I begin to order sushi and notice that the form has already been written on, so I flip to the next sheet and start to tally what I want. I look at Tim (who hates seafood dead or alive) to ask if he wants potato skins with sour cream, and he says, "yes." For some strange reason, you can't get a plate of 6 or 8. You can only order 32 at a time, and this pisses me off.

I'm getting dressed up for a dance or a reception something formal. Before I go upstairs to put on this black dress that is so short it makes me uncomfortable, I'm downstairs eating and I hear a knock on the door. It's the Hutchison men (Mr. Hutch, John, and Kyle) and they've been working our lawn. I invite them in for lemonade but let them know I don't have much time to talk. My mom comes over and the five of us are talking when I realize I'm super late. I run upstairs but I can't find the shoes I was going to wear even though there are shoes everywhere: in the laundry basket, in the bathroom, on the floor, on my bed, and in my closet. I hear another knock at the door, and it's D who is all dressed up and had driven the Cobra over so we could ride to the party in style. He announces that we're late and I announce I'm not leaving until I find my shoes. He waits by the door while I run upstairs and find my shoes in a pile of them and I hear him telling me he's going to leave and meet me there so he's not late. I'm angry, and I bend over to put my shoes on but there's a huge ache in my back. I turn around in the mirror and lift my dress to find a large, purple cut straight across my back.

I'm at school in my pajamas because I've literally rolled out of bed and straight into class. I'm reading a book when suddenly, I have the urge to shower so I go to the bathroom and suddenly wonder how I'm going to shower without a shower in the school's bathroom. Several other girls walk in to fix their makeup and I try wash my hands trying to pretend like I'm there for a reason.

I'm sitting in my bed wondering why I feel so pot-bellied, fat when a doctor walks in and announces there isn't one, there's three. "Three what?" I'm thinking, and I realize I'm giving birth to triplets and I'm terrified.