These last few weeks were a little bit rough - I had a term project due today that I've been working on for weeks. I feel pretty good about it. I thought I was a little bit behind since I didn't actually start working on it until about three weeks ago, but then last night, a bunch of students from class emailed out to the rest of the class asking for peer critiques (we were required to get quite a few of them between drafts) so I think I did alright :)
This morning I ran out of the apartment and was watching the bus drive up to the bus stop when I realized I had COMPLETELY forgot my paper and portfolio at home. I can't believe I left without it! That made me a little bit late but the professor started class a little bit late so I was right on time.
After I got that out of the way, I just relaxed for the rest of the day. Feels good.
Showing posts with label schooling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label schooling. Show all posts
Monday, April 06, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I'll be home again before you know it
So a lot has been happening. A lot.
Ricky.
Despite how angry I was when I left and vowed not to go back, I went in to Ricardo over spring break to sit down and have sort of an interview with the new Bus Dev VP, although it ended up being less of an interview and more of (what seemed like) him trying to convince me that Ricardo has not been following the same trend as the economy in Michigan. The only question he actually asked me was about what I want to do when/if I go back. I guess he's just waiting for the financial side of it to be approved before he can give me an answer. So we'll see. A job is a job.
Marketing
Well I've been thinking a lot about switching my degree from Marketing to Accounting. A few thoughts I have with this:
1. I probably won't actually do it, because despite my interest in Accounting, I actually haven't done that well in it, and I think it would take me so much longer to graduate just because it would be difficult for me. At this point, I just want to graduate as quickly as possible and be done with it.
2. It hit me that I have only had experience in certain aspects of Marketing that aren't necessarily considered Marketing, such as heavy experience in PR and graphic design. Do I actually know I would like it? Not really. I haven't actually taken any "MKT" classes yet, in fact I've taken two Accounting classes and a few other business classes I enjoyed (law and MIS).
3. If I end up having to take a job more relate towards advertising, I really think I would run into a moral dilemma in selling something or selling something someway I don't agree with. We were talking about the "sexism/sex sells" part of advertising in one of my classes, and I think I have a real issue with having anything to do with that. In comparison, a big part of Accounting is in ethics that I find very interesting.
Dreams and Nightmares
I have been consistently having dreams and nightmares bringing back people and other things I haven't thought about in so long. I lay awake restless until at least 3 in the morning thinking about all these things and trying to fall asleep thinking about good things. Regardless, all of this has been occupying my mind 24/7, and I feel like I need to do something to reconcile or settle these things. I just don't know what.
People I've Lost
A part of the dreams and nightmares I've been having are related to people I've lost contact with. Coincidentially, I spotted one of them at one of the most random places recently, I was emailed by one, and contacted by another. Lots of mixed emotions. I'm one to cause more drama than needed because I always feel the need to say what I'm thinking/feeling, but I'm trying to restrain myself from making a fool out of myself talking to someone who might not even care.
Ricky.
Despite how angry I was when I left and vowed not to go back, I went in to Ricardo over spring break to sit down and have sort of an interview with the new Bus Dev VP, although it ended up being less of an interview and more of (what seemed like) him trying to convince me that Ricardo has not been following the same trend as the economy in Michigan. The only question he actually asked me was about what I want to do when/if I go back. I guess he's just waiting for the financial side of it to be approved before he can give me an answer. So we'll see. A job is a job.
Marketing
Well I've been thinking a lot about switching my degree from Marketing to Accounting. A few thoughts I have with this:
1. I probably won't actually do it, because despite my interest in Accounting, I actually haven't done that well in it, and I think it would take me so much longer to graduate just because it would be difficult for me. At this point, I just want to graduate as quickly as possible and be done with it.
2. It hit me that I have only had experience in certain aspects of Marketing that aren't necessarily considered Marketing, such as heavy experience in PR and graphic design. Do I actually know I would like it? Not really. I haven't actually taken any "MKT" classes yet, in fact I've taken two Accounting classes and a few other business classes I enjoyed (law and MIS).
3. If I end up having to take a job more relate towards advertising, I really think I would run into a moral dilemma in selling something or selling something someway I don't agree with. We were talking about the "sexism/sex sells" part of advertising in one of my classes, and I think I have a real issue with having anything to do with that. In comparison, a big part of Accounting is in ethics that I find very interesting.
Dreams and Nightmares
I have been consistently having dreams and nightmares bringing back people and other things I haven't thought about in so long. I lay awake restless until at least 3 in the morning thinking about all these things and trying to fall asleep thinking about good things. Regardless, all of this has been occupying my mind 24/7, and I feel like I need to do something to reconcile or settle these things. I just don't know what.
People I've Lost
A part of the dreams and nightmares I've been having are related to people I've lost contact with. Coincidentially, I spotted one of them at one of the most random places recently, I was emailed by one, and contacted by another. Lots of mixed emotions. I'm one to cause more drama than needed because I always feel the need to say what I'm thinking/feeling, but I'm trying to restrain myself from making a fool out of myself talking to someone who might not even care.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Just a correlation? Or a cause-and-effect situation?
I've come to conclude that even though I'm bored with my life but generally happy and keeping to myself, this is better for my grades and for trying to do well in school. In my life, when I have been outrageous, super involved with something that gives me great personal satisfaction, super social, and not always happy because I'm always in a lot of drama, I do really poorly in school. Just a few more years and I can go back to being that part of me.
Friday, January 16, 2009
If you don't want to be here, then leave!
Let me just start off by saying I understand and sort of appreciate professors that require you to go to class, take attendance, and give you "participation points" (which are the easiest points you'll ever earn in school). But what I hate, is students that show up because they don't want to be penalized, but CLEARLY don't want to be there, don't want to pay attention, and just don't care. Because then they spend the whole class time snickering at other students, making rude comments under their breaths, they can't sit still, and the clickclickclickclickclickclickclick of texting all class. I can't stand it! There are days I don't want to go, I don't want to be there, and maybe don't care about what's going on, but I keep my mouth shut, I don't bother anyone, I don't sit in the back of the classroom and snicker at or make comments about the people that do care and have something to say. SO ANNOYING ughhhhhhh
Friday, October 31, 2008
File this one under "amusing things"
I was just reading through some entries from a few months age and came across this:
"Speaking of which, I've decided that I will be transferring to GVSU the fall semester of 2008. There are a hundred reasons why and I could list them all out, but the main reason is that the school is a much better fit for me and the situation I'll be putting myself in will be more ideal than what I've been doing. Figured out there was something wrong with it, here's my attempt to change it and make it right. Otherwise I'll be stuck in school for the rest of my life."
HA. Who am I kidding, I will be in school for the rest of my life trying to get one simple degree.
"Speaking of which, I've decided that I will be transferring to GVSU the fall semester of 2008. There are a hundred reasons why and I could list them all out, but the main reason is that the school is a much better fit for me and the situation I'll be putting myself in will be more ideal than what I've been doing. Figured out there was something wrong with it, here's my attempt to change it and make it right. Otherwise I'll be stuck in school for the rest of my life."
HA. Who am I kidding, I will be in school for the rest of my life trying to get one simple degree.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Transitions, transfer student, transformations
"The first few weeks of school have been a little more difficult than I thought they would be," is what I've been telling everyone who asks how this transition is going for me. But the truth is that this past month has been extremely difficult... harder than my most dramatic days at Ricardo (I know it's hard to believe!) I'm pretty sure I called Bryan crying at the end of every day for at least two weeks straight, and I've can't remember ever feeling so all-around defeated in a long time! A few positive changes happened this past weekend that have lightened up my schedule and a few worries I have going on, so I think this week has been pretty good so far.
On a positive note, I started thinking these last couple days about how this transition has affected my relationship with Bryan. Taking into account the weird/freaked-out phase we went through right before England, the time that I was in England, the few days I was back, and then being away this past month, it's not only brought a load of new challenges to my life but to our relationship too. But I am incredibly amazed at how much I think our relationship has also transformed throughout these experiences so far, he's been the most incredibly supportive boyfriend I could ever image, and I am in love with him more than I can ever explain! I am the luckiest girl on earth!
On a positive note, I started thinking these last couple days about how this transition has affected my relationship with Bryan. Taking into account the weird/freaked-out phase we went through right before England, the time that I was in England, the few days I was back, and then being away this past month, it's not only brought a load of new challenges to my life but to our relationship too. But I am incredibly amazed at how much I think our relationship has also transformed throughout these experiences so far, he's been the most incredibly supportive boyfriend I could ever image, and I am in love with him more than I can ever explain! I am the luckiest girl on earth!
Monday, August 25, 2008
Nobody trips over mountains
It's the small pebbles that cause you to stumble.
Well, I'm one week into this new chapter of my life, new place to live, new school, new city, finding new friends, new job. It is so overwhelming and I am having a really hard time adjusting, especially without my sweetie to come home and cry to after a rough day.
But I have thought about this decision over and over again for the last half year and I know it is the right thing to do in the long run. Cut myself off from a job that consumes me and holds me back because I don't have a degree, change schools to be away from the distractions and to put myself in an environment that I will enjoy, force myself to meet new friends and have a support system...
It's so hard to see this is a step forward through the day to day difficulties.
More to come, I have a lot of new challenges but I have to focus on school. After all, this is my second chance to get it right and start with a clean slate.
Well, I'm one week into this new chapter of my life, new place to live, new school, new city, finding new friends, new job. It is so overwhelming and I am having a really hard time adjusting, especially without my sweetie to come home and cry to after a rough day.
But I have thought about this decision over and over again for the last half year and I know it is the right thing to do in the long run. Cut myself off from a job that consumes me and holds me back because I don't have a degree, change schools to be away from the distractions and to put myself in an environment that I will enjoy, force myself to meet new friends and have a support system...
It's so hard to see this is a step forward through the day to day difficulties.
More to come, I have a lot of new challenges but I have to focus on school. After all, this is my second chance to get it right and start with a clean slate.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Music please (buh nuhnuhnuh buh nuhnuhnuh...)
(Benny Benassi - California Dreaming Remix)
So many exciting things in the works right now! I sat down and had several meetings with our Global BusDev/Marketing director and it is set in stone that I will be going to work at one of our UK offices for a portion of the summer!
Everyone has been sooo supportive and hospitable about it, I'm so touched I don't know what to say. Before I had even been sure I was going, people were already recommending me places to go and their relatives to stay with, Claude called some of his guys to tell them they have to take care of me and show me around town when I arrive, I've already have several people (including another global executive!) ask me to have lunch with them when I arrive, and our Legal Counsel picked up the phone instantly when I was talking to him and called up his buddy who had just finished renovating an apartment to see if I could potentially stay there.
The group I'll be working with has already been talking about projects I can work on with them. I'm so stoked because this is the group I've been working with (through phone and email) for a few years now and I've always told everyone they have my dream jobs!
Talking with genuinely great executives always wow me with their intelligence, confidence, and insight. With Raul, I find myself trying to write down a lot of what he says just so I can remember exactly how he said it. Not like other executives who *ahem* tell you to your face that they don't want to pay anyone more than they are paying you to do your job -- and yes, this particular person actually said that to me after asking me who I'm passing my responsibilities to when I leave for school.
Speaking of which, I've decided that I will be transferring to GVSU the fall semester of 2008. There are a hundred reasons why and I could list them all out, but the main reason is that the school is a much better fit for me and the situation I'll be putting myself in will be more ideal than what I've been doing. Figured out there was something wrong with it, here's my attempt to change it and make it right. Otherwise I'll be stuck in school for the rest of my life.
Separately, Claude's new replacement started this past week. His name is Scott and I've been impressed with him so far. I shouldn't say he's Claude's new replacement though... I don't think anyone could every replace what Claude has been to me! But so far so good... I'm still keeping my guard up but I'll be excited to see what he does with our team.
The training courses I taught these past two weeks went well - each time I taught it, I'm happy to say I improved a lot from the previous course. My Flash presentation came out real well and I plan on making it interactive so it can be used as a stand alone application (I know that's not what Flash is for but I'm trying to cut PowerPoint out of my life). But from a management standpoint, I was truly challenged by some complicated questions and by some of the most executive members of our company, including our global IT director who was in town for the week.
So many exciting things in the works right now! I sat down and had several meetings with our Global BusDev/Marketing director and it is set in stone that I will be going to work at one of our UK offices for a portion of the summer!
Everyone has been sooo supportive and hospitable about it, I'm so touched I don't know what to say. Before I had even been sure I was going, people were already recommending me places to go and their relatives to stay with, Claude called some of his guys to tell them they have to take care of me and show me around town when I arrive, I've already have several people (including another global executive!) ask me to have lunch with them when I arrive, and our Legal Counsel picked up the phone instantly when I was talking to him and called up his buddy who had just finished renovating an apartment to see if I could potentially stay there.
The group I'll be working with has already been talking about projects I can work on with them. I'm so stoked because this is the group I've been working with (through phone and email) for a few years now and I've always told everyone they have my dream jobs!
Talking with genuinely great executives always wow me with their intelligence, confidence, and insight. With Raul, I find myself trying to write down a lot of what he says just so I can remember exactly how he said it. Not like other executives who *ahem* tell you to your face that they don't want to pay anyone more than they are paying you to do your job -- and yes, this particular person actually said that to me after asking me who I'm passing my responsibilities to when I leave for school.
Speaking of which, I've decided that I will be transferring to GVSU the fall semester of 2008. There are a hundred reasons why and I could list them all out, but the main reason is that the school is a much better fit for me and the situation I'll be putting myself in will be more ideal than what I've been doing. Figured out there was something wrong with it, here's my attempt to change it and make it right. Otherwise I'll be stuck in school for the rest of my life.
Separately, Claude's new replacement started this past week. His name is Scott and I've been impressed with him so far. I shouldn't say he's Claude's new replacement though... I don't think anyone could every replace what Claude has been to me! But so far so good... I'm still keeping my guard up but I'll be excited to see what he does with our team.
The training courses I taught these past two weeks went well - each time I taught it, I'm happy to say I improved a lot from the previous course. My Flash presentation came out real well and I plan on making it interactive so it can be used as a stand alone application (I know that's not what Flash is for but I'm trying to cut PowerPoint out of my life). But from a management standpoint, I was truly challenged by some complicated questions and by some of the most executive members of our company, including our global IT director who was in town for the week.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Is the good life better than the life I live?
Claude's dinner party (part I - hahaha) was this past weekend. I had an absolute blast and finally got to meet his wife and 2/4 of his kids! And Claude has a gorgeous house! "Part I" included Catherine and Gary, Claude and Amy, and then me and BGS :) After an incredible dinner (Claude is also an amazing cook) we played pool, Wii, air hockey, LRC, foosball, watched SNL... I love him to bits and pieces :) And he has the sweetest wife!
Today, I found out my shoe has a hole in it. Now my toes are cold and wet and it is making me grumpy.
Finals went as well as they can go for me, which is not very well. I am terrible at studying and a master at procrastinating. I even got more satisfaction out of finishing this than finishing today's final exam.
More to come... lots on my mind.
Today, I found out my shoe has a hole in it. Now my toes are cold and wet and it is making me grumpy.
Finals went as well as they can go for me, which is not very well. I am terrible at studying and a master at procrastinating. I even got more satisfaction out of finishing this than finishing today's final exam.
More to come... lots on my mind.
Friday, October 26, 2007
I regret tomorrow more than yesterday
I think I'm onto two extremes, and I don't know how to balance.
The first and better of the two: having the time of my life with my S.O., new friends, new relationships, and excited for upcoming events and holidays.
The second: terrified and embarrassed of how I'm doing in school to the point where I am trying to figure out what the alternative is incase I am really failing.
The first and better of the two: having the time of my life with my S.O., new friends, new relationships, and excited for upcoming events and holidays.
The second: terrified and embarrassed of how I'm doing in school to the point where I am trying to figure out what the alternative is incase I am really failing.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Stressed backwards is desserts
This week has been quite extreme.
I woke up today and actually wondered to myself how I will physically handle these next couple weeks. I feel like I never sleep well or feel like I still haven't slept for days after I wake. My body weight has been madly fluctuating, which I know is not good.
Senator Levin visited our facility today, and we've been spending the last few days prepping for the tour and what not. Everything worked out well, but as usual, it was incredibly hectic. I find that I've lately had more interaction with some of the other exec's that I don't usually talk to, including Dean. He wandered over to me when everyone was sort of waiting for the Senator to ask how things were going and what not.
Manvinder is here this week, so it's been a little bit weird being around him. I don't know why, but it really really bothers me that he's sitting at Claude's old desk. I keep looking over at his reflection in the window the way Claude would check to see if I'm late (hehehe). And completely by accident, I came around the corner talking loudly to Kristi (we always talk over walls and talk to each other as we walk around) about a meeting I had with JVA, and I said, "Well that was a waste of my time!" Oops.
I had an accounting exam at the end of last week that I got back this week. I flipped out because my recorded exam grade on Blackboard was not very good, but then I received an email from my professor saying that I accidentally skipped a page and she would let me finish it before she recorded my final grade. On the downside, I don't think that one page makes a big enough difference to bring my grade up to what is ideal, but it definitely made me feel better that I hadn't actually done so bad.
Last year, part of what helped me keep less stressed through school was all my dorky hobbies, which I've picked back up.I consolidated my aquariums (you thought I was going to say something about loans or money when I said the word "consolidated" didn't you? haha). It's still in the process, but I haven't been making enough time to maintain all three. So I thought my baby guppies should be big enough to join the rest of the fish, but a few minutes later, I found half a body floating around without a head. Ewww. If you're going to eat each other, at least finish each other off so I don't see any leftovers.
I also have gotten back into scrapbooking, and naturally, I have also gotten back into my habit of spending a ridiculous amount of money on scrapbook embellishments. Even though embellishments are usually no more than $3 or $4 unless you get something real fancy, I always think about what I need/don't have while I scrapbook and make frequent trips to scrapbook stores to buy paper and stickers or what not.
To come in the next week-ish:
Celebrating my birthday with my hunny :)
My week long trip to San Antonio
GVSU with BGS to visit friends
I woke up today and actually wondered to myself how I will physically handle these next couple weeks. I feel like I never sleep well or feel like I still haven't slept for days after I wake. My body weight has been madly fluctuating, which I know is not good.
Senator Levin visited our facility today, and we've been spending the last few days prepping for the tour and what not. Everything worked out well, but as usual, it was incredibly hectic. I find that I've lately had more interaction with some of the other exec's that I don't usually talk to, including Dean. He wandered over to me when everyone was sort of waiting for the Senator to ask how things were going and what not.
Manvinder is here this week, so it's been a little bit weird being around him. I don't know why, but it really really bothers me that he's sitting at Claude's old desk. I keep looking over at his reflection in the window the way Claude would check to see if I'm late (hehehe). And completely by accident, I came around the corner talking loudly to Kristi (we always talk over walls and talk to each other as we walk around) about a meeting I had with JVA, and I said, "Well that was a waste of my time!" Oops.
I had an accounting exam at the end of last week that I got back this week. I flipped out because my recorded exam grade on Blackboard was not very good, but then I received an email from my professor saying that I accidentally skipped a page and she would let me finish it before she recorded my final grade. On the downside, I don't think that one page makes a big enough difference to bring my grade up to what is ideal, but it definitely made me feel better that I hadn't actually done so bad.
Last year, part of what helped me keep less stressed through school was all my dorky hobbies, which I've picked back up.I consolidated my aquariums (you thought I was going to say something about loans or money when I said the word "consolidated" didn't you? haha). It's still in the process, but I haven't been making enough time to maintain all three. So I thought my baby guppies should be big enough to join the rest of the fish, but a few minutes later, I found half a body floating around without a head. Ewww. If you're going to eat each other, at least finish each other off so I don't see any leftovers.
I also have gotten back into scrapbooking, and naturally, I have also gotten back into my habit of spending a ridiculous amount of money on scrapbook embellishments. Even though embellishments are usually no more than $3 or $4 unless you get something real fancy, I always think about what I need/don't have while I scrapbook and make frequent trips to scrapbook stores to buy paper and stickers or what not.
To come in the next week-ish:
Celebrating my birthday with my hunny :)
My week long trip to San Antonio
GVSU with BGS to visit friends
Monday, June 25, 2007
Some kind of summer weekend
This past weekend was productive and fun, but somewhere deep inside of me, I've still been anxious for this upcoming final exam. I've gotten to the point now where I'm not worried about the grade I'm getting, but more so just passing this dreaded class so I can get it out of my system.
I try to avoid having to talk about school as much as possible because I just cringe thinking about it. But when the topic does come up, I very often get one of those, "No offense or anything, but your Asian" and I go "I know I know!" As if it isn't enough to wake up and see in the mirror that my image does not match my scholarly success, people have to tell this to me like they've just seen a Penguin try to fly. "But Penguin, you're a bird! You're supposed to be able to fly!"
Aside from all this, D took me out for lobster on Friday after work. It might have been the first time I've had real lobster that you break open yourself. It wasn't bad but I did get a little squeamish when D started snapping the claws together to show me how the lobster moves his claws.
Afterwards, we swung by to pick up Romey and went back to D's to see Inga, her mom, and her dog. Romey and Cici (the Shi Tzu) are so funny together! They're also complete opposites. Just for fun, we walked over to Cat's to see her and her parents and show them the puppies (kind of a blurry picture).
I couldn't fall asleep Friday night. I just laid there like an idiot with so much on my mind, I finally woke up and read through some work emails and stuff until I felt a little more tired. I just feel so restless sometimes, I don't know what to do. It's kind of ironic though because once I'm asleep, that's it!
Saturday was a trip to Ricardo with Tim, and then to Uncle Lazslo's for Goulash. Romeo, Cici, and Daytona ran around the yard all night until Romeo discovered Martha's horse. He threw a fit and growled and barked at the horse all night until we left.
Saturday night, I fell asleep on the couch at 10ish (I don't even remember D leaving my house). Woke up at 12 for long enough to walk upstairs, and then I woke up at 5 to change into pj's, and fell back asleep until 1pm. Talk about abnormal sleeping habits.
I try to avoid having to talk about school as much as possible because I just cringe thinking about it. But when the topic does come up, I very often get one of those, "No offense or anything, but your Asian" and I go "I know I know!" As if it isn't enough to wake up and see in the mirror that my image does not match my scholarly success, people have to tell this to me like they've just seen a Penguin try to fly. "But Penguin, you're a bird! You're supposed to be able to fly!"
Aside from all this, D took me out for lobster on Friday after work. It might have been the first time I've had real lobster that you break open yourself. It wasn't bad but I did get a little squeamish when D started snapping the claws together to show me how the lobster moves his claws.
Afterwards, we swung by to pick up Romey and went back to D's to see Inga, her mom, and her dog. Romey and Cici (the Shi Tzu) are so funny together! They're also complete opposites. Just for fun, we walked over to Cat's to see her and her parents and show them the puppies (kind of a blurry picture).
I couldn't fall asleep Friday night. I just laid there like an idiot with so much on my mind, I finally woke up and read through some work emails and stuff until I felt a little more tired. I just feel so restless sometimes, I don't know what to do. It's kind of ironic though because once I'm asleep, that's it!
Saturday was a trip to Ricardo with Tim, and then to Uncle Lazslo's for Goulash. Romeo, Cici, and Daytona ran around the yard all night until Romeo discovered Martha's horse. He threw a fit and growled and barked at the horse all night until we left.
Saturday night, I fell asleep on the couch at 10ish (I don't even remember D leaving my house). Woke up at 12 for long enough to walk upstairs, and then I woke up at 5 to change into pj's, and fell back asleep until 1pm. Talk about abnormal sleeping habits.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Honesty, disconnection, and selfishness
Everyone always always asks "how is school?" and "how is work going for ya?" and such. I mean I ask this too but often because I don't know what to ask or how to engage in conversation by starting off asking something "how are you" (which would generate a typical response and I'd be left having to ask another question or reply to a "good, how are you?" kind of thing). The best thing would be to remember past conversations and remember what he or she said and then ask about that instead.
Lately, I've starting answer "how is school?" and "how is work?" honestly.
"Well school isn't going too well... I just haven't been doing too well," and of course I get the: "Well grades aren't as important as they seem... what really matters is ______," and I protest because that what I used to think until I started really looking into internship, co-op, business programs, and grad school requirements. Then you know it matters. "And work isn't going too well either... I applied to some out-of-state summer internship programs but haven't heard back from anyone so I guess I'll be at Ricardo this summer," and I get "It's okay, you're still young."
I mean not that I wanted to be dishonest before, it's just that to a random acquaintance or old friend, I don't think I should dump emotional baggage on him or her. I suppose it is kind of sad that it has come to this - that I feel like I haven't had someone to really vent to and discuss things with that I take the opportunity to talk to just about anyone who is willing to ask how I am. Boy do I think I often make them sorry they walked into such an awkward conversation.
I've recently been really bothered by the fact that me, my mom, and Tim are sooo disconnected. I mean, ultimately, we don't really look out for each other, and I think for all three of us, we secretly know that it would be easier to not have to deal with the other two. We have to make an effort to things together and spend holidays together, and even then, it is depressing that there are only three of us to exchange presents or cook food for. I thought about last Christmas when my mom repeatedly told us that we should not exchange presents and waste time/money because she felt that we all knew what the true meaning of Christmas was and that was all that mattered. We all half-heartedly bought a few things for each other anyway, but it really upsets me she does not feel that we should take advantage of one of the easiest opportunities to do something nice for each other, since we rarely even do for birthdays.
I hate to admit that sometimes I think about how things could be if I had a dad and we had a family that supports each other. I was telling D about my dad a few days ago, about how intelligent he is and I was telling D about something my dad had taught me or said to me (or something) when I was little. I started talking about what he probably does now and where he probably is.
I also admitted to D that because I know my dad currently makes a ridiculous amount of money, I selfishly wish that one day when I decide to find him, sit down with him at lunch, and let him know about how his behavior has affected me, he will apologize and change. We will have a decent friendship and I will meet his new wife (and possibly my half siblings, if I have any) and he will use his richness to pay for the rest of my tuition or my car or something.
I know, it's so selfish.
Lately, I've starting answer "how is school?" and "how is work?" honestly.
"Well school isn't going too well... I just haven't been doing too well," and of course I get the: "Well grades aren't as important as they seem... what really matters is ______," and I protest because that what I used to think until I started really looking into internship, co-op, business programs, and grad school requirements. Then you know it matters. "And work isn't going too well either... I applied to some out-of-state summer internship programs but haven't heard back from anyone so I guess I'll be at Ricardo this summer," and I get "It's okay, you're still young."
I mean not that I wanted to be dishonest before, it's just that to a random acquaintance or old friend, I don't think I should dump emotional baggage on him or her. I suppose it is kind of sad that it has come to this - that I feel like I haven't had someone to really vent to and discuss things with that I take the opportunity to talk to just about anyone who is willing to ask how I am. Boy do I think I often make them sorry they walked into such an awkward conversation.
I've recently been really bothered by the fact that me, my mom, and Tim are sooo disconnected. I mean, ultimately, we don't really look out for each other, and I think for all three of us, we secretly know that it would be easier to not have to deal with the other two. We have to make an effort to things together and spend holidays together, and even then, it is depressing that there are only three of us to exchange presents or cook food for. I thought about last Christmas when my mom repeatedly told us that we should not exchange presents and waste time/money because she felt that we all knew what the true meaning of Christmas was and that was all that mattered. We all half-heartedly bought a few things for each other anyway, but it really upsets me she does not feel that we should take advantage of one of the easiest opportunities to do something nice for each other, since we rarely even do for birthdays.
I hate to admit that sometimes I think about how things could be if I had a dad and we had a family that supports each other. I was telling D about my dad a few days ago, about how intelligent he is and I was telling D about something my dad had taught me or said to me (or something) when I was little. I started talking about what he probably does now and where he probably is.
I also admitted to D that because I know my dad currently makes a ridiculous amount of money, I selfishly wish that one day when I decide to find him, sit down with him at lunch, and let him know about how his behavior has affected me, he will apologize and change. We will have a decent friendship and I will meet his new wife (and possibly my half siblings, if I have any) and he will use his richness to pay for the rest of my tuition or my car or something.
I know, it's so selfish.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
When the sun goes down
I think the main reason why I'm so eager to win an internship is because I feel like I have been missing out. Almost everyone I know has moved away to college or has met a new group of friends or something. I'm not saying I have to move away to school (I'm actually pretty happy with UM-D) but I'm itching to move on to something big and exciting - a new job or a new home or new people...
It looks like I'm going to be spending another summer at Ricardo though, and I'm not too happy about it. It's starting to feel like I've hit a plateau there.
It looks like I'm going to be spending another summer at Ricardo though, and I'm not too happy about it. It's starting to feel like I've hit a plateau there.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Tag - you're it!
Student government elections are so ridiculously intense!
I talked to Muhi who is running for Maize and Blue president (which is what I voted for), and some other random guy for Unity Slate sort of followed me after Muhi left to talk to me. The politics in this are unbelievable! I've heard some real crazy stories about what people on each side will do to win a vote or put the other party to shame. It's sad that politics are just this way but I'm pretty happy that there are such dedicated students out there vouching for things I didn't realize the student body had any power over.
On a separate note, the weather this week has been incredible so far (I'm sure I don't have to convince you - if you're in the area, you know what I mean).
Yesterday, carpooled with Steven and studied for Econ with him. It gave me an excuse to be late enough for work that I didn't have to go. I don't usually play hooky but I have to say, it was really nice to get out of class and have the rest of the day under my control instead of booking it to Ricardo. And Steven and I got to geek about our aquariums (his 60 gallon looks amazing and I am jealous!)
Speaking of which, I've decided that at the end of the semster, I'm going to do 1 of 2 things:
- Completely scrap my 25 gallon and start a saltwater tank since I don't have the money to buy a BioCube or
- Move my 25 gallon's gravel into a new 20 gallon, temporarily move what are left of my fish to my 5.5 gallon, and start over with the 25 gallon picking and choosing which of my plants and fish I want in that aquarium.
For sure, I need a centerpiece fish. Either a dwarf cichlid or an angel fish. I'd really like a discus fish but those might be too high maintenance for me to handle.
I talked to Muhi who is running for Maize and Blue president (which is what I voted for), and some other random guy for Unity Slate sort of followed me after Muhi left to talk to me. The politics in this are unbelievable! I've heard some real crazy stories about what people on each side will do to win a vote or put the other party to shame. It's sad that politics are just this way but I'm pretty happy that there are such dedicated students out there vouching for things I didn't realize the student body had any power over.
On a separate note, the weather this week has been incredible so far (I'm sure I don't have to convince you - if you're in the area, you know what I mean).
Yesterday, carpooled with Steven and studied for Econ with him. It gave me an excuse to be late enough for work that I didn't have to go. I don't usually play hooky but I have to say, it was really nice to get out of class and have the rest of the day under my control instead of booking it to Ricardo. And Steven and I got to geek about our aquariums (his 60 gallon looks amazing and I am jealous!)
Speaking of which, I've decided that at the end of the semster, I'm going to do 1 of 2 things:
- Completely scrap my 25 gallon and start a saltwater tank since I don't have the money to buy a BioCube or
- Move my 25 gallon's gravel into a new 20 gallon, temporarily move what are left of my fish to my 5.5 gallon, and start over with the 25 gallon picking and choosing which of my plants and fish I want in that aquarium.
For sure, I need a centerpiece fish. Either a dwarf cichlid or an angel fish. I'd really like a discus fish but those might be too high maintenance for me to handle.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Sluggishness mess
While catching myself in the middle of a sentence today, I realized there are some things I hate to admit about myself because I don't like the way they will sound out loud.
I don't want to make excuses for myself, but lately, I think I have become lazier than I was before because I'm a lot less motivated and interested. I'm starting to realize I don't really like working at Ricardo anymore. I'm starting to think kind of badly about a lot of people I work with, which annoys me. I feel like I can never catch up with the endless amounts of "intern" work (to put it nicely) everyone has for me. But simply, I'm starting to feel bored with nothing new lately or no one new, and I'm starting to daydream more than I actually pay attention to reality.
Itching to find out if I received any of the out-of-state summer internships I applied for, I'm also nervous to maybe have to find out I was not accepted and will have to spend another summer doing what I've been doing. In general, I think I'm ready to be somewhere new, do something new, see something new, and meet new people. Does this have something to do with the fact that I've been in Novi/Northville almost my entire life? I feel like I have never really established myself here the way I would like, and I still don't think I'm doing a good job of it during my first year at UMD. I guess I just want a new and different chance to try - or do I just want a different situation to confirm I really do have my priorities all wrong?
The other night, I took Gabe to Jay's new school to introduce the two of them since Gabe is becoming more interested in martial arts. Er I should say... UFC (which is not martial arts). Jay had me go out on the floor and train with everybody (me in my jeans and T-shirt too). Usually when I do this, I just need to refresh my memory before I'm caught up to where I left off. However, last night, I came to a complete brain freeze and still could not complete forms and routine training practices we used to do after working through the motions 3 or more times. I don't know why, but this bothers me a lot realizing that one of the things I've been most passionate about, I didn't even stick to.
Although I have always, always thought I should strive to grow up and be a completely independent and business-driven woman, I recently had a strange, opposite thought: I think I could easily be happy just tending to my various hobbies and taking care of a house/family. Not to offend anyone, but up until now, I would have never allowed myself to be this before being that independent and business-driven woman (especially after seeing what my mom went through in her marriage - I've seen the importance of establishing a "me" before anything else). In fact I could even say I sort of looked down on girls who don't have a personal ambition before wanting to be a wife and mother.
I had a conversation with Natalie at dinner earlier today about someone who purely wants to marry her boyfriend right out of college. She's somehow convinced she'll be making a ridiculously high salary being a family psychiatrist or at least be able to spend the money he'll have (I guess you have to know these two people to understand the irony of this). Needless to say, their relationship is an absolute mess too.
While questioning why long-term satisfaction doesn't motivate me as much as it should, I wonder why I talk gun-ho about becoming successful. But right now, I'm lazier than ever. Is it me who needs the reality check?
I don't want to make excuses for myself, but lately, I think I have become lazier than I was before because I'm a lot less motivated and interested. I'm starting to realize I don't really like working at Ricardo anymore. I'm starting to think kind of badly about a lot of people I work with, which annoys me. I feel like I can never catch up with the endless amounts of "intern" work (to put it nicely) everyone has for me. But simply, I'm starting to feel bored with nothing new lately or no one new, and I'm starting to daydream more than I actually pay attention to reality.
Itching to find out if I received any of the out-of-state summer internships I applied for, I'm also nervous to maybe have to find out I was not accepted and will have to spend another summer doing what I've been doing. In general, I think I'm ready to be somewhere new, do something new, see something new, and meet new people. Does this have something to do with the fact that I've been in Novi/Northville almost my entire life? I feel like I have never really established myself here the way I would like, and I still don't think I'm doing a good job of it during my first year at UMD. I guess I just want a new and different chance to try - or do I just want a different situation to confirm I really do have my priorities all wrong?
The other night, I took Gabe to Jay's new school to introduce the two of them since Gabe is becoming more interested in martial arts. Er I should say... UFC (which is not martial arts). Jay had me go out on the floor and train with everybody (me in my jeans and T-shirt too). Usually when I do this, I just need to refresh my memory before I'm caught up to where I left off. However, last night, I came to a complete brain freeze and still could not complete forms and routine training practices we used to do after working through the motions 3 or more times. I don't know why, but this bothers me a lot realizing that one of the things I've been most passionate about, I didn't even stick to.
Although I have always, always thought I should strive to grow up and be a completely independent and business-driven woman, I recently had a strange, opposite thought: I think I could easily be happy just tending to my various hobbies and taking care of a house/family. Not to offend anyone, but up until now, I would have never allowed myself to be this before being that independent and business-driven woman (especially after seeing what my mom went through in her marriage - I've seen the importance of establishing a "me" before anything else). In fact I could even say I sort of looked down on girls who don't have a personal ambition before wanting to be a wife and mother.
I had a conversation with Natalie at dinner earlier today about someone who purely wants to marry her boyfriend right out of college. She's somehow convinced she'll be making a ridiculously high salary being a family psychiatrist or at least be able to spend the money he'll have (I guess you have to know these two people to understand the irony of this). Needless to say, their relationship is an absolute mess too.
While questioning why long-term satisfaction doesn't motivate me as much as it should, I wonder why I talk gun-ho about becoming successful. But right now, I'm lazier than ever. Is it me who needs the reality check?
Monday, February 05, 2007
Rough week
Last week had to have been one of the hardest weeks I've been through in awhile with the surgery, feuds with my mom, exams, scholarship/internship due dates, a couple papers, D's Polo Club, and a load of things to do at work (since they finally brought me back upstairs).
Hopefully this week will be better.
I spent the day with a bad taste in my mouth (figuratively) from this past week - I felt pretty bad and didn't realize until half way through the day nothing had happened today to make me feel this way. But last week, Ricardo-wise, it was pretty bad. Especially after this monkey of a guy grilled me at work on Friday for something that was not my fault. It was absolutely terrible and embarrassing.
Hopefully this week will be better.
I spent the day with a bad taste in my mouth (figuratively) from this past week - I felt pretty bad and didn't realize until half way through the day nothing had happened today to make me feel this way. But last week, Ricardo-wise, it was pretty bad. Especially after this monkey of a guy grilled me at work on Friday for something that was not my fault. It was absolutely terrible and embarrassing.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
You're so naive, you're so
There are a few things I wish I understood more of and don't know if taking classes at school is helping (or will help). Also, most professors, books, news, radio are all bias (on politics). Oh and, while filing my taxes recently, I looked at my year-to-date and could not believe how little of it is left! Ahh!
- All politics and political terms (I'm watching the State of the Union address)
- Credit cards and how credit works
- Taxes, not necessarily how to file them
- How to manage my finances
I'm having a hard time balancing responsibilities. I keep convincing myself (while I'm sitting at my desk at work) I have time for everything they're loading up on me at work, then when I'm at school planning out my studies, I make myself think I have time to focus on all my subjects too. I end up with too much on my plate and spend most of my time worrying about how I'll get things done. Engineering the plan, as they say. I dunno.
- All politics and political terms (I'm watching the State of the Union address)
- Credit cards and how credit works
- Taxes, not necessarily how to file them
- How to manage my finances
I'm having a hard time balancing responsibilities. I keep convincing myself (while I'm sitting at my desk at work) I have time for everything they're loading up on me at work, then when I'm at school planning out my studies, I make myself think I have time to focus on all my subjects too. I end up with too much on my plate and spend most of my time worrying about how I'll get things done. Engineering the plan, as they say. I dunno.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Panic is the new nighttime
School has started out great. I had a lot of trouble locking my schedule and classes in place, but I have some really great classes and really great professors this semester. My Econ professor seems to be a very cultured and aware person who has a very clear and concise teaching style, yy Comp professor is maybe as old as my grandma but has a very child-like spirit and a sense of humor, and my Political Science professor seems like a very involved person who thinks logically (so hopefully, teaches logically too). Like I mentioned before, I met some really cool people in my PoliSci class (one who turned out to be the little brother of an old friend's best friend!) and we now go on these weekly TGIFriday's outings after class every Thursday.
But despite how truly excited I am about my new classes and professors (except math, of course) and new buddies I've met, I have been sleeping terribly and having a hard time with myself.
I lay my head down on my pillows and then begin to panic while I try to fall asleep. A few nights ago, I was so overwhelmed with something on my mind that my body began to tense up and I started having uncontrollable muscle spasms in my legs. I felt like my arms were going numb, I started sweating, and my heart was racing. So finally I forced myself up to play with the puppy who was sitting in his little cagey next to me and watching me) until he dozed off, then I got some random paper on my dresser and started writing out my thoughts until I was too tired to write anymore.
I think I need a... what's the word? Something... some way of forcing myself to release all of this inside of me so that it doesn't eat me up when the only time I have to think about it is when I go to sleep. If I had the time and money, I would like to go back to train with Jay at his new school. But the program is not stable and I could see him easily moving the school in a few months (thinking that he has a better plan to make more money and get more students).
But despite how truly excited I am about my new classes and professors (except math, of course) and new buddies I've met, I have been sleeping terribly and having a hard time with myself.
I lay my head down on my pillows and then begin to panic while I try to fall asleep. A few nights ago, I was so overwhelmed with something on my mind that my body began to tense up and I started having uncontrollable muscle spasms in my legs. I felt like my arms were going numb, I started sweating, and my heart was racing. So finally I forced myself up to play with the puppy who was sitting in his little cagey next to me and watching me) until he dozed off, then I got some random paper on my dresser and started writing out my thoughts until I was too tired to write anymore.
I think I need a... what's the word? Something... some way of forcing myself to release all of this inside of me so that it doesn't eat me up when the only time I have to think about it is when I go to sleep. If I had the time and money, I would like to go back to train with Jay at his new school. But the program is not stable and I could see him easily moving the school in a few months (thinking that he has a better plan to make more money and get more students).
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