Sluggishness mess

While catching myself in the middle of a sentence today, I realized there are some things I hate to admit about myself because I don't like the way they will sound out loud.

I don't want to make excuses for myself, but lately, I think I have become lazier than I was before because I'm a lot less motivated and interested. I'm starting to realize I don't really like working at Ricardo anymore. I'm starting to think kind of badly about a lot of people I work with, which annoys me. I feel like I can never catch up with the endless amounts of "intern" work (to put it nicely) everyone has for me. But simply, I'm starting to feel bored with nothing new lately or no one new, and I'm starting to daydream more than I actually pay attention to reality.

Itching to find out if I received any of the out-of-state summer internships I applied for, I'm also nervous to maybe have to find out I was not accepted and will have to spend another summer doing what I've been doing. In general, I think I'm ready to be somewhere new, do something new, see something new, and meet new people. Does this have something to do with the fact that I've been in Novi/Northville almost my entire life? I feel like I have never really established myself here the way I would like, and I still don't think I'm doing a good job of it during my first year at UMD. I guess I just want a new and different chance to try - or do I just want a different situation to confirm I really do have my priorities all wrong?

The other night, I took Gabe to Jay's new school to introduce the two of them since Gabe is becoming more interested in martial arts. Er I should say... UFC (which is not martial arts). Jay had me go out on the floor and train with everybody (me in my jeans and T-shirt too). Usually when I do this, I just need to refresh my memory before I'm caught up to where I left off. However, last night, I came to a complete brain freeze and still could not complete forms and routine training practices we used to do after working through the motions 3 or more times. I don't know why, but this bothers me a lot realizing that one of the things I've been most passionate about, I didn't even stick to.

Although I have always, always thought I should strive to grow up and be a completely independent and business-driven woman, I recently had a strange, opposite thought: I think I could easily be happy just tending to my various hobbies and taking care of a house/family. Not to offend anyone, but up until now, I would have never allowed myself to be this before being that independent and business-driven woman (especially after seeing what my mom went through in her marriage - I've seen the importance of establishing a "me" before anything else). In fact I could even say I sort of looked down on girls who don't have a personal ambition before wanting to be a wife and mother.

I had a conversation with Natalie at dinner earlier today about someone who purely wants to marry her boyfriend right out of college. She's somehow convinced she'll be making a ridiculously high salary being a family psychiatrist or at least be able to spend the money he'll have (I guess you have to know these two people to understand the irony of this). Needless to say, their relationship is an absolute mess too.

While questioning why long-term satisfaction doesn't motivate me as much as it should, I wonder why I talk gun-ho about becoming successful. But right now, I'm lazier than ever. Is it me who needs the reality check?